Thundering through the desert on horseback being chased by a pack of wild dogs. We had been riding along the edge of the desert where it meets the lush growth from the Nile. When a pack of about twenty dogs broke out of the vegetation, wild or feral, who knows, the horses were walking, our guide shouted, and started his horse into a gallop, mine leaped forward from walking to a gallop and I looked behind at my friend, luckily his horse followed suit as he had never ridden before, I saw him grip the saddle with his hands. The dogs were running towards us at a tangent, the nearest were almost on top of us and leaped at our legs saliva dripping from their jaws, trying to pull us from the horses. We headed out into the rolling dunes of the Sahara thundering on, with the pack chasing, my friend swearing and my laughter mixing with the thundering of the horses and the snarling of the dogs, laughing with the exhilaration, joy and pure pleasure of existence…

 Desert Crossing

A photograph from that ride, desert crossing, I am on the middle shadow of horse and rider taking the photograph, our guides horse in front and my friends behind. A photograph with text, both the text and photograph is by myself, it is a photograph, a lightbox, and an art installation; with the image projected onto a wall, the text, sand on the floor of the space it is shown in and the sound of the desert wind. This was the first art installation I made, why maybe it is the on the page first.

The text;

‘There is a particular kind of beauty travelling in a sand desert for, grain by grain, the wind and sand obliterate all signs of your passing.’

Russell Hand © ®

The art piece is about crossing the desert, the piece is about photography, the piece is photographic theory, the piece is about life.

This is a part from a series of stories I am writing, or attempting too, a book of my travels, when after being at art school for a year, the Chelsea school of Art. I left and flew to meet a friend I had known from school who was already travelling around the Mediterranean, I left London with £100 and a flight ticket, and the best part of a year later we were in Egypt. Well and other stories from my life… for I apparently have lead a life less ordinary. I have known, artists, actors, film stars, writers, poets, pop stars, fashion designers, cultural theorists, fashion models, musicians, contemporary dancers, I suppose for want of a better word, the aristocracy at times, DJ’s, etc… The list goes on… And maybe I should add, and most importantly, people with beautiful hearts and minds. Looking back I was very lucky to be able to travel round the Mediterranean with a friend and the places and people we met, luck, personality, good intentions towards others, which meant it was reciprocated by those we met. We met a lot of good people with good minds.

My art website russellhand.com

Link to my artists book in The Tate special archive of artists books. The Tate is the national museum for historic and contemporary art in the UK. My artist book as in made by the artist me, and is so I have been told a work of art in itself. Artists that I have exhibited with Damien Hirst, Banksy etc, do not have their artists books in The Tate special archive. My artists book

A link to my book on iBooks, more books to follow; My poetry iBook

My photography book on iBooks; My photography iBook

My photography ibook includes a number of shots from when I was travelling/backpacking that first time with a friend around the Mediterranean, plus lots of my other photographs.

My other websites;

Photography & Thought https://photographer.russellhand.com

Thundering 2 https://russellhandartist.com

https://russellhand.life

New Instagram

My original blog in 2015, though edited down and did the others;

https://russellhandartist.wordpress.com

More iBooks to come

This is my FaceBook, though I do not add people, in fact I deleted most of the people on there. Also as some people seem to doubt I am the same person on there as the artist that has their artist book in The Tate special archive of artists books, as I do and am.

FaceBook

The stories will hopefully be written and convey the incredible poetry of travelling, as well as the other things I will write, the poetry, that beauty of existence and being in the world. Though the stories of mine and my friends travels, as well as the other stories are all true. I want to write in some other way than a purely documentary style, if the skills I posses can convey my wonder, whether it be of thundering through the desert being chased by a pack of wild dogs, feeling the pounding of the horses heart, the breath sounding like a bellows at a smiths forge, the sand flying up, the dogs snarling and snapping, my laughter, or whether it be about the desert stars, the motion of the ships on the sea with salt spray lashing our faces, the light reflected through a pane of glass, or dust motes swirling like constellations in sunlight, conversations by sun or starlight, the laughter; that laughter of the pure joy, the merriment of the moment, the laughter of existence and being, the laughter as the desert wind kisses ones skin as it brushes past… The poetry of some of the most beautiful islands in the world, ancient cities, and seas of sand, the welcomes we received from people as we travelled packs on our backs, exploring and seeing the world we travelled through and live in. A world that can break your heart with the beauty and tragedy of life and then remake it whole once more, beating strong and true…

Of tragedies I am sure we have all experienced some, the loss of people we love, I have lost many people on the many roads of life, this I wrote two days after receiving a phone call telling me a friend had died 2007, he had committed suicide. I had not seen him in sometime. Not because we fell out or did not speak, just missing connections, being other places and not around at the same time, though whenever we spoke we always spoke of different things, laughed and enjoyed each others company;

Never think we are anything

‘Never think we are anything except fragile beings, no matter the illusions we create. The slightest resonance can cause a rupture, to shatter ourselves through time and space, to scatter to the darkest places, to fall in to despair, sometimes never to return’

Written 2007 ©® Russell Hand

My friend Peter B was a writer, poet, playwright and university lecturer that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in time, I was shocked that he had committed suicide. It upset me deeply, a lot of people seemed to decide to leave that year, some of whom I had met. When I first met him, it was through the first woman I lived with, Gillian, a contemporary dancer and another woman her friend. They said you must meet pin-up Pete, they called him that because he did look like a pin-up, six foot tall, blonde crinkly hair, piercing blue eyes, a beautiful man in every sense of the word. I think the first thing I said to him was, ‘I hear you are a pipe and slippers man’, he laughed and said ‘and a roaring log fire’. He often wore a Greek fisherman’s cap back to front, he was around 21 or 22 back then or maybe a little older, think he was older than me, still hard to imagine even now that he decided to go.

I had already lost my father and my mother almost died after an operation that saved her life, but made her very ill afterwards, but for Peter to choose to leave life at a mature but early age. Then it was his choice, at least he had lived a life, sadly many have not when they decide to leave.

Though this might seem like an unusual start and is many years later than the stories which are true, it is one of the tragedies of life a tempering of existence, then maybe something of beauty, though this was years after I travelled round the Mediterranean with my friend backpacking.

In my second year at art school I was sitting in a bar in Camden with a friend, sharing a table with a woman and man we didn’t know, I ended up in a long conversation with the woman, how long I am not sure, she was a musician, we were talking about art, music and many other things. Eventually I said to her, should I know who you are, I never know who I am talking to most of the time, she replied you might know of me and said her name, Neneh Cherry, at the time she was one of the most famous pop stars in Britain and maybe the world I don’t know, but it made me laugh at the time, her too, and still does now, because she was extremely nice, rather lovely on the eye, and wonderful to talk to, me and my friend left the bar and I never saw her again, though I already knew her music and had some ‘Rip Rig and Panic’ ‘The Slits’ and ‘The New Age Steppers’. She probably forgot the conversation in a bar in Camden with me soon after she left, though I remembered, because she was so unassuming and charming. I have had many conversations like that before and many more since in life. Why who knows. I rarely speak of them, though it was one of those beautiful moments in life; talking to a lovely sophisticated talented women whose music I also liked. Peter H I went travelling with was the person I was in the bar in Camden with when this happened.

I am an artist, I make art installations, I am a sculptor, I am a painter, I work with video, film, sound, image, text, I write, I write theory, I write what I call poetic text and some call poetry, though even my poetic text or poetry is also theory or one might prefer philosophy or has a philosophical content, then does not all good art in whatever medium. I can also throw pots, and build and model in clay, plaster, make glaze, which helped with some early ceramic sculptures I made. I can etch, lino-cut, block print, and also can silkscreen all printing techniques, though have not done any of these for sometime. My art, I have been told is visual philosophy. I am also a photographer. I am or have been and might again be a fashion photographer, I have worked with some of the biggest and best fashion modelling agencies in the the world, as, so they said they liked me and loved my fashion photography. Strangely enough even as a fashion photographer some seemed to think I might be potentially one of the great fashion photographers. An old friend of Helmut Newton’s, who was also the fashion stylist for some of his books. After seeing my 5th fashion shoot asked me to contribute, shoot for his magazine, which he owned at the time though sold and I think it changed quite a lot, which at the time he asked me, had Ellen Von Unwerth, Karl Lagerfeld among others contributing and shooting for it. All the others who shot for the magazine when I searched, were shooting campaigns for Prada, Gucci, all the major French and Italian fashion houses. The fashion magazine was called Above magazine a large independent biannual magazine, more like a book. Though he sold it before I was able to shot for it. My first proper job when I left school which I did at 16 was as a trainee graphic designer and illustrator in a large commercial design studio in London. Though I left on the advice of designers at the design company to return to education as they thought with my talents I should go to art school and study art painting etc.

I have rarely shown but I have shown exhibited with artists and photographers including Damien Hirst, Banksy, Sam Taylor-wood, Peter Blake, and others.

Smiths Empire (head)

This is the title image from the book on my art, writing and photography. It shows the head component from my multi-component art installation, 6 sculpture components in all, ‘Smiths Empire’. It is called Smiths Empire, because Smith is an everyman name, alias Smith and Jones, Smiths Empire is about all men, but fragments; parts from everyman . The books second part of the title is; As we struggle to language; fragments. For we are all incomplete whatever to the contrary we might think, believe or assert, we all have fault lines running through our being. Jones Empire is the female version.

I probably should mention all the images, photography, words, pieces of text, are mine, produced by myself and my copyright, and right of reproduction, except the quoted texts.

People often ask why I leave, why I originally left when I was so highly thought of by some of the most renowned art critics and art theorists of the time.

I even know what thought was in my eyes

Russell Hand © ®

Again, as I am not sure how easy it is to read the text from the image, here it is;

‘I even know what thought was in my eyes then… what my future could be… and unlike most people faced with that choice… I left rather than stayed… as I have done since… For even at that early age, an awareness, that to choose to stay would have meant to live one life… for to cross that line and be, would be, to deny all other possibilities in the world of being… for if I was and am truly what most people thought… then I could be that at anytime.’

“I was assailed by memories of a life that wasn’t mine anymore, but one in which I’d found the simplest and most lasting joys…..”

“The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth”

Albert Camus

‘and in Camus am I not transported back to that tender age of 13 to 14… between climbing trees & clubbing… when I became bored with school the silly things people use to talk about… and those pretty girls wanting to surrender their secret to me… when instead of working in my maths class I use to watch the seagulls circle… and dream of distant lands and the words of Sartre & Camus… and the world unfolded  opened to me of all the possibilities of being and thought and doing…’

“Writings scatter to the winds blank checks in an insane charge. And were they not such flying leaves, there would be no purloined letters…” Jacques Lacan

Two quotes from Albert Camus and one from Jacques Lacan, mixed with my writing. The photograph is one of me from about the time of the desert crossing. The above text I wrote several years ago.

I was reading Camus and Sartre when I was 13 or 14 or maybe even 12, plus a whole host of other authors, one of my older brothers had boxes of books, that as I began to find school boring and not particularly stimulating, and as I mentioned I was clubbing from about 14 in clubs, very cool clubs full of professional dancers, models, art students, designers… small cool clubs. Where I danced and talked and laughed, with dancers dancing on rollerblades, roller-skates and telling what pop videos they had been in, and of course filled with gorgeous women. As by about 15 most thought me 19 or 20, which was fun and funny, and got me into some amusing situations. And back to reading, between clubbing and reading, by the time I was 16 I had read so many classics, contemporary classics and such a wide breathe of genres without really quite knowing I had read many of the great authors. A thirst for thought, a thirst for knowledge, a thirst for life, the world in all its wonderful diversity. Though like life, enjoying dancing is the most important thing, not turning everything into a competition.

Then what does all this have to do with thundering through the desert being chased by a pack of wild dogs, backpacking round the Mediterranean with a friend, everything in many ways, for the people I had already met, the books I read and the things I had done before I backpacked that first time enriched with those experiences and with all the reference points I already had. And then later it enriched my art and writing, then others will be the judge of that, whether my art, my writing, my contribution to existence is worthwhile. And if I seem to rant sometimes, about life or the planet or people, I do not mean to rant, but to have a passion for life, art, the planet, ecology, history, the ancient monuments that are being destroyed and thought seeming to be sliding out of the world, for some kind of homogenised process of ‘candy’ dreams.

The desert that place of incredible beauty with an enormous moon rising over the seas of sand, does it make me want to write poetic text, or howl at the moon, or tell the world to go spin, and shout out do you all want to die, all the things written from the past till now, all those books sitting gathering dust, all the information we have, and still we as a race seem bent on our own destruction, gradually destroying our beautiful home, the places I have wandered in and seen. Maybe it sounds insane, what shouting do you all want to die, or howling at the moon, well look to the world, how out of balance it is, even the places I travelled in have changed so much. And who has not told the world to go fuck itself at sometime in their life. Not very poetic maybe.

Then to struggle to do, to bring something of art, the poetic, something of thought into the world, maybe something of thought or beauty for the ages who knows.

“Albeit the jealous temper of mankind, ever more disposed to censure than to praise the work of others, has constantly made the pursuit of new methods and systems no less perilous than the search after unknown lands and seas; nevertheless, prompted by that desire which nature has implanted in me, fearlessly to undertake what so-ever I think offers a common benefit to all, I enter on a path which, being hitherto untrodden by any, though it involve me in trouble and fatigue, may yet win me thanks from those who judge my efforts in a friendly spirit. And although my feeble discernment, my slender experience of current affairs, and imperfect knowledge of ancient events, render these efforts of mine defective and of no great utility, they may at least open the way to some other, who, with better parts and sounder reasoning and judgment, shall carry out my design; whereby, if I gain no credit, at all events I ought to incur no blame.”

Niccolò Machiavelli.

Then maybe it is an arrogance to think because of the diversity of experiences I have had, all that I have read, the incredibly diverse people I have known or spoken too, that I could make some contribution to this amazing planet we live on. Then some friends think it is at the least time I tried, whatever my talents may be.

This I wrote several years ago and again is in my book of my art.

the-angel-of-history-russell-hand

Another double page from my book on my art. The Angel Of History. The photograph is from one of my fashion shoots, the second fashion shoot I ever did, the model is from Models1.

The text of The Angel Of History, as again I am not sure how easy it will be to read from the image;

The Angel Of History

The angel of history flies backwards…
from the future to the past,
always facing the future,
and has seen all the devastation of the world,
but is silent mute unable to speak.
Silent forgotten speeding through time,
with the tears of Eros running down its cheeks,
Thrashing in its and the worlds pain,
trying to blind itself but unable,
and has neither the solace of love or sleep,
for sweet love and sweet sleep cannot touch it,
As time cannot… the only sustenance it receives,
are those few moments of mankind’s creations,
of art, love, beauty, thought and dreams,
for even dreams it is not allowed,
just an eternity of seeing.
Forever sailing through the winds and storms of time…

11th March 2011 © ® Russell Hand Artist

The poetic text or poetry, references, a painting by Paul Klee, writing by Walter Benjamin, a book by Georges Bataille, references no more, well plus a few other things.

I will not be putting too much of my poetic text on here and might be removing some as my poetry book is now out on iBooks

I can be stupid sometimes, I give pieces of my writing to people by way of thanks, email it to them to see what they think, luckily though some have said in the past I should not, I wrote much online so have a date and a time of writing, plus I save the emails. Then I do not understand the psychology of someone that would claim credit or claim they have written someones else’s piece of work or idea for anything art, thoughts etc. Then maybe because I can do many things art and writing, I have neither the mind set, the inclination nor interest to claim something as mine that is not.

On a fun subject, a photograph from the last shoot I did for a magazine.

Natalia 60's Triumph Bonneville

Natalia Tena, film star, has been in a couple of Harry Potter films and will be in Game Of Thrones when I shot this. As the Wilding in Game Of Thrones. The shoot was lots of fun, lots of laughing, her PR woman helped by acting as my assistant passing me cameras while I was laying on the ground. Managed to get a classic bike restoration place in Camden for the shoot. In this shot she is on a 1960’s Triumph Bonneville. A fun day, with fun people all working on the images and my photography. Though it was not published in the magazine in the end I do not know why, because when they initially saw the shoot/my photographs they told me they loved them.

2009

I thought since I have said some things about myself maybe I should add this, though my work should speak for itself. As there is not much or anything left out there online about me at the moment. Before FB there was MySpace, a friend, who was a fashion photographer suggested I joined Myspace, though this happened after I hadn’t been on there for time. 2009 they got in touch with me and asked me if they could feature me, I don’t really like publicity and almost said no, another fashion photographer who I knew and told, said you are insane of course you should let them, especially after I told Zoe what they said. Zoe was is an Australian photographer who works lives in London. When they got in touch I said I am not sure, they got back to me explaining they had been featuring famous American fashion photographers, and now they wanted to start featuring British fashion photographers, and wanted to start with me, they explained if I agreed I would be put in the same slot as a legendary American fashion photographer and film maker had been. The model in the image MySpace featured on their front page is a Russian fashion model, 21 with Next Model Management or she was with them. I should add I am not famous, some people seem to rate my work very highly. I suppose one of the reasons I have put this up is not to ‘blow my own horn’ or ‘big myself up’ or to impress anyone, just more a statement. But I have been in situation where I have asked someone if I can take a photograph of them and they appear to have taken it the wrong way, not the way I meant at least, I have said I am a photographer or an artist and had no other motive for asking other than it is one of the things I do, photography or art. Though I was published in New York in a fashion magazine, and was told if I would have tried I probably could have gotten most if not all my fashion shoots published in print.

Something about love;

‘The Beauty Of Light As It Outlines You With A Golden Halo

The beauty of light as it outlines you with a golden halo,
sun-kissed golden skin,
waking and opening eyes just as the sun shines,
and glows on your breast, nipple and cheek,
your warmth and heat against me,
drowsy hot and salty, a nest of sheets, duvet and limbs,
I can feel the slow throb of your pulse,
your smell in my nostrils and taste on my tongue.
Your eyes open dappled with light and sleep,
so open with your heart and soul in them,
like a sacrifice to me,
you hold back the void and loneliness,
breath moist on my skin, rubbing your face into me,
as you snuggle down wrapped round me,
I can hear your breath rasp in your nose as you smell then kiss me,
I know the shape, feel, texture of your body awake or asleep,
did you hear me as I whisper I love you,
as you mumble with your mouth against me the same.
What a beautiful dream we dream each of the other,
our love, bodies, thoughts and passion make our meaning,
for don’t we remake each other as we couple.
O to dream of you…’

Written by myself 29th March 2011 © ® Russell Hand Artist

 They say love is a kind of insanity; or is it the beauty of being between two people, maybe it lasts or sometimes burns brightly and then disappears. Then talking to someone a while ago they mentioned ‘beautiful failures’, which I could relate to, and thought sounded like a Tom Waits song. Nearly every woman I have been in a relationship with, has been a career woman, arts or media, extremely intelligent, funny, elegant, charismatic, charming, great sense of humour, great conversationalist, rather posh, stunningly beautiful, and in many cases poetry in motion, by that I mean the kind of woman you rarely see, but as she walks past you and the way she moves and looks, everyone, the world turns to watch her.

Which sounds wonderful, but can have its drawbacks, well for me, a quiet walk along the Regents Canal, walking north of Regents Park with Paula who then worked at the BBC as a researcher then a producer, a barge goes by full of Fulham posh Rugby men and blonde women with pearl necklaces and designer clothes. A shout comes off the barge, “Man you are the luckiest man in the world, she’s breath stoppingly gorgeous !” Then they start clapping and cheering. A car pulls up next to mine on the dual carriageway, the Marylebone Road, it’s summer, the traffic is virtually at a standstill, the windows are down. Two guys in the car call across, “Where did you find her, I didn’t think women like that really existed” all they can see is her face. She is a researcher and producer at the BBC, and they keep asking her to present, but she prefers working behind the camera. We are sitting in a restaurant in China Town, we are talking and laughing, I look around and two men are virtually drawling into their food, which makes me feel ill. She has a smile like the sun, a laugh and a voice like chocolate and husky,  every time something like this happens, she looks at me and says “See, you are such a bastard, you never appreciate me enough.” And I laugh and say, you know I do. She likes calling me a bastard, she often says “I hate you you bastard, I can never say no to you about anything.” She said to me once, “We could live together properly, maybe get married, you can write, I don’t care if you make any money, I earn enough. I can pay for both of us” I can’t remember how she saw some of my writing, though she never saw any of my art. She use to wake me up at night sometimes, 4 in the morning, I would be half conscious and say, what, she would say “Sorry, I woke up and was watching you sleep, and then couldn’t help kissing you and then I could not stop.” Lots more stories like that with her, we were seeing each other more or less living together, me at hers five days a week, for two, two and a half years. Though she like most of the others never realised I could not so no to them, or at least not about much. Generally when a relationship fails I feel like I have just come out of a train wreck. Then I think every relationship of mine, they had decided to end it but then tell me I left before they did, in mind and spirit, which is slightly unfair as there were various things going on between us in each, a passionate dynamic that generated its own process, but maybe more true than I would like to admit. Then I still love them all in a way but am no longer in love with them and hope they are all happy in life.

Not that I have ever really understood why I seem to be with women like that, same arts media culture I suppose, but their choice, in all senses, they usually make it very clear to me they want to be with me, I sometimes feel I am just along for the ride. I do not mean that I was not in love with them, just that it seems to be something they have decided and then when it does not work out in the long run, I feel wrecked left at the side of the road, a bit like walking hand in hand and then finding you have just dropped off a cliff and they are still walking along looking at the view. Then expectations, expectations of love and being in love we all have them.

Then maybe this, though I read some Edgar Allan Poe in my mothers poetry books, at 9 or so onwards, this was not amongst them, the first time I heard it was in a film, a John Wayne film, with Dean Martin, James Caan, called El Dorado when I was 8 or 10, the James Caan character use to recite it;

Eldorado

“Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old—
This knight so bold—
And o’er his heart a shadow—
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow—
‘Shadow,’ said he,
‘Where can it be—
This land of Eldorado?’

‘Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,’
The shade replied,—
‘If you seek for Eldorado!’”

By Edgar Allan Poe.

Why this poem, inspiration, wandering in search of something, some idea, ideal, some love, some vista, some person or people, some place, some space of mind, the beauty of space and time, I remember it well from the film and since reading it by Poe has lodged in my memory, so not in search of gold, which the poem is not about anyway, but searching for an ethereal ephemeral quality, some illusive ‘thing’.

The search of a poet, the artist for, their muse, their inspiration, the poetic of the poet. That mirage in the desert, that road, that path to invisible cities, that lead to what we search for. Some yearning that calls us through time and draws us…

I love talking to people, I always have, to people of all ages, backgrounds, women and men, curiosity and enjoyment, research as I often call it, talking to people is part of my work. Conversations are like sustenance to me, they feed my mind and creativity.

This writing about my life, travelling, on here is extracts, samples or pieces from the book I am working on.

Face

This is from a series, ‘Faces’ project, it is one of my paintings 2002 © ® Russell Hand Artist. It is also an ongoing project. If I get into a conversation with someone and enjoy talking to them, I ask if I can take a photograph of them, though I don’t like painting from photographs, a certain practicality has to come in, as some people might spare the time to sit/model for me for a painting, that is if I have somewhere to paint nearby, but not many I would have thought. So I ask if I can take a photograph, not everyone says yes, but that is their right as far as I am concerned. Though I haven’t taken any more photos recently as it seems to have caused me trouble and has been misunderstood. I only use photographs I have taken myself for my ‘faces’ painting project. Then it is of no great concern but some people seem to like making ‘mountains out of mole hills’. Psychology I suppose, then I am use to a much ‘bigger’ world than some people.

Then an anecdote about a painter, Paul Cézanne;

“Paul Cézanne was a French artist and Post-Impressionist painter whose work laid the foundations of the transition from the 19th-century conception of artistic endeavour to a new and radically different world of art in the 20th century.

Cézanne’s paintings were shown in the first exhibition of the Salon des Refusés in 1863, which displayed works not accepted by the jury of the official Paris Salon. The Salon rejected Cézanne’s submissions every year from 1864 to 1869.

“Love for the Ugly”. Rochefort describes how spectators had supposedly experienced laughing fits, when seeing the paintings of “an ultra-impressionist named Cézanne”.

Both Matisse and Picasso are said to have remarked that Cézanne “is the father of us all.”

I paint in several different ways. As the above painting, certain other figurative ways and abstract ways.

Maybe I should mention as I keep digressing from the story of my travels that first time backpacking around the Mediterranean. That one of the reasons I am writing the book is because talking to lots of people through time and especially other people that have backpacked is the way we travelled and what we did was not the usual kind of things, also that it is about the world opening to us as we travelled, not just physically but psychologically, philosophically a journey, an odyssey about the world opening and us growing as the world opened to us our minds opened to the world. The world embraced us and we embraced the world. Then maybe I should not speak for Peter, but it did for me and I think it did for him.

And a few of the photographs from the faces project;

Face Sweden

A face photographed by myself for my faces project and a painting, photographed in Sweden of a Swedish woman, a few years ago. Russell Hand artist © ®.

N Face

From 8 years ago, face photographed London, Serbian or Croatian, shot/photographed two women, fashion models with a good agency, during a fashion shoot one was Croatian one was Serbian from what they said, friends. Russell Hand artist © ®. Both of the above faces photographs will be in my photographic book.

I photograph men and women for the faces project, both can be difficult to do. Though men are often more difficult. Though neither have to be beautiful just have interesting faces, as the part of the idea of the project is that anyone of any look or age could be part of the project, as I said as long as they have something interesting about their face or themselves, what I think is an egalitarian project, people that never would be normally could get photographed and then painted.

Mouth 1

This is a more photographic style of my painting, the painting of a mouth 2002 © ® Russell Hand Artist, from a series of mouths, taken from stills of one of my installation art pieces, which is a video, film, sound and objects art installation.

I have never minded whether people like my art or not. Something about painting, most people who don’t paint, and some people that do paint, and even some artists, don’t realise that to paint like, Leonardo Di Vinci, MichelAngelo, El Greco, Turner, Monet, Van Gogh, Picasso, Andy Warhol, Rembrandt, Rodin, Miro, Gerhard Richter, etc. etc. is easy, or sculpt; it is a technique which with time, patients and practise people can learn, I don’t know if there still is but there used to be lots of people copying their paintings sitting in museums around the world. And of course forgers, I always remember Tom Keating, he could copy, or forge almost any artist, though as he said he wasn’t as good as people might have thought, because he got caught. He said something like I can forge lots of artists, but I just don’t seem any good at doing original work of my own. I am not quoting because it is vaguely what I remember from seeing a bit of a TV show he was in. Basically it is easy once someone else has already done it. Then I was suppose to be exceptional at art installations; sculptures, video, sound, film etc. Or so people, art people, theorists etc kept telling me. I can paint, as I can take photographs, well throw pots, print; silkscreen, lino-cut, etch, aquatint, make glaze, model in clay etc. But it is the ideas not the technique that makes art, one of my favourite draughtsman of all time Dürer, also wrote books on of theory, including if I remember correctly one on aesthetics.

In 2004 I was listed on a resources site for further and higher education and research, which was run by universities including, University of Oxford, University of Bristol, University of Manchester, Manchester Metropolitan University and some others I think, I was listed in the categories, Creative and performing arts, Visual arts; Fine and Contemporary arts; Installations; Installation artists. In the sections; Artists; installations (visual works); Photography; Young British Art; Sculpture; light boxes, Contemporary art, YBA, installation artists. Young British Art was generic. However YBA had 22 listings, mostly on the Turner prize, some gallerists and galleries, and three artists, one the most famous contemporary artist in the world at the time;Damien Hirst, another listing; The Chapman Brothers, also one/ well 2 but they collaborate, famous contemporary artist/s in the world and one for myself. Why they listed me I couldn’t say, as I have said I have a tendency to wander, travel, I leave, though in some ways it wasn’t particularly a shock, when I was a student and after and still at that time in 2004 and after some art people thought I was at the least that; if not more. And I was told on a number of occasions as a student, after and again and again all I have to do was show in central London and I would never look back, by of course world renowned art critics and theorists. They also seemed to think among other things, my art was timeless and would not disappear in time/history as even many of the most famous artists of their times do.

intute

From the entry at Intute. I have restored my art website to working order and how it looked when the Intute listed me in their categories including YBA with two other artists, the Chapman brothers and Damien Hirst, which surprised me since I have rarely shown, that must have gone on my art alone, as they had hundreds if not thousands of artists listed but not in that category, just 3 listings for artists, well I know the Chapman brothers are two people but often listed a one entity since they produce a lot of their work together. Most of the other listing were for the Turner prize and a few gallery people involved in the YBA phenomenon. There were about 29 listings in all. An unusual coincidence that I was so highly rated by a number of art people, and then randomly I am added to the phenomena of the ‘YBA’s’ by Intute solely on my work several years later. When the were 10,000’s of artists listed on Intute. Like MySpace asking me to lead off the British photographers after featuring legendary American photographers, solely on how much they liked my photography, there were 100’s if not 1,000’s of photographers on MySpace why me, I am just me. Academic site and popular culture site that seem to think highly of my art production and photography.

My art website as it was then in 2004 with a few additions, sculptures, art installations, paintings, photographs, well I was listed in the photographer section as well artist photographer.

russellhand.com

Maybe since I have been talking about faces and from the time I was an art student, a project from when I was at art school, also to do with faces, a few faces I shot at art school for the project then and included in the faces project for painting as well as at least one for the photographic book, the faces I shot/photographed were art students I was at art school with, these are just a few examples.

Amanda

Russell Hand © ® photograph of a fellow art student when I was at art school with them. A beautiful face, a woman I knew at art school, a woman whose eyes I use to fall into and get lost in. A woman that use to get upset when I laughed because she use to think I was laughing at her, though I was laughing with the pleasure of talking to her. The lovely Amanda. A woman who was told and anyone else that would listen, by a supposed friend of mine in the year below, who told me he was supposed to be with her because he thought he should be, not that I was but she used to talk to me all the time, like most of the women at art school use to talk to me. The supposed friend was in the year below and the direct descendant of a figure from English history, he thought he looked like Robert De Niro, and got really fucked off one day when a beautiful Greek woman came into the cafe at art school and asked if she could sit and talk to me while she was waiting for her friend, because sitting there she said I reminded her of Louis Cyphre from the film Angel Heart (Robert De Niro), not because I looked like him, my presence. A supposed friend who told me several years after we left art school at a party, he spread rumours and lies about me when we were at art school, saying, claiming I use to be a male escort and male prostitute, because he was pissed off because all the women he liked used to talk to me and not him and thought they would stop talking to me. He seemed to think I did not care when he told me, and did not notice lots of people stopped talking to me. A twisted lying petty jealous boring two faced friend, I have known a few of them. Or many both men and women pretending to be friends and making up lies and slagging me off over time. Sad twisted people.

More eyes

Another art student © ® Russell Hand

Morag Eyes

Another photograph of an art student photographed by me when I was at art school. Russell Hand © ®. I have many more of these photographs I took, as well as many others of other subjects and other projects, these are just a few examples. Strange I have not a photograph of the lovely Alison’s eyes, Alison Goldfrapp that is later of the band Goldfrapp, could not have been in art school when I was working on this project she was in the year above so might have already left or might have been off singing with Tricky, lovely blue eyes that use to light up whenever we spoke, another wonderful woman. Then when I was caught in the beam of Baby Spices eyes some years after I left art school, at the ICA, I did not have a camera with me, did not know who she was until someone told me and then felt more like running, though she was rather gorgeous, but way too famous and in the media spotlight. And I felt more like a rabbit caught in the headlights of those amazing blue eyes. Yes I know it might sound strange how could I not know or recognise a 22 year old Baby Spice, popstars I do not know only when they talk or try to talk to me and someone tells me who they are. I am art. The poetic.

I have inspired people to believe in themselves, and follow their dreams, or so they have told me. Good conversation with people. It might sound arrogant saying that, but it is not meant that way, it is to do with a way of being, thinking and existing in the world, an opening up of spaces of thought and ideas, an engagement with reality and being an artist. Art is about the work, the Art, not the artist or ones ego.

Strange thing thinking about my travels and my life, tens of thousands of memories of places, people, conversations and events cascade through my mind woken from sleep, woken from memory.

The first time I travelled round the Mediterranean backpacking with a friend when I was very young.

I am in the Cairo museum, my friend was off somewhere else. I am sitting on the floor drawing a statue of one of the Pharaohs, one of the ones who built one of the great pyramids at Giza. I can’t remember which one, his name eludes me, it could be Chephren. I am concentrating, totally lost in concentration, I don’t not know how long I been sitting there drawing, me the pencil, the paper and the statue. I finish, I stretch, I look around, there are Egyptian school children all around behind me completely silent, their teacher says have you finished, I say yes, suddenly the children start cheering, clapping and smiling. They start coming to me with bits of paper, I give the teacher an inquiring look, he says they want your autograph, I say I am not famous, he says please. So I scribble my illegible signature on a lots pieces of paper. looking at the notes next to the drawing in my sketchbook, it happened twice that day, the other time adults that had stopped to watch me draw, again in complete silence and myself oblivious, except to what I was doing, sketching. A break I took and they asked for my autograph too. Embarrassing.

chephren-russell-hand

Scan from one of my old sketchbooks, sketch of Chephren statue Cairo museum. Russell Hand © ®.

Then another old sketch from the same old sketchbook.

samuel-beckett

The reason I added this is because of my comment on the page, a critic of my own drawing, which makes me laugh, though I recognised who it is of after all this time, one of my favourite playwrights, Samuel Beckett, though sketched from a photograph. Russell Hand © ®

Another shot Mykonos the first time I backpacked round the Mediterranean with my friend Pete. Pete, the Swedish couple, 2 English women and myself, who was taking the photo I could not say, but taken with Pete’s camera why we have the image.

A different world back then, no mobile phones, no internet, when you travelled you had to book an international phone call at a telephone exchange. Postcards arrived months later or maybe not at all. No bucket lists, people just wandering around enjoying life and each others company. Long before the invasion of the arseholes in some of the most beautiful places on earth, and the selfie…  No I am not looking back with rose tinted glasses, just went places that had good people with good minds, and arseholes were not welcome… Lot less of those places these days, the news got out…

Well we are always travelling, in a very real sense as well as metaphorically. The world spins, the earth orbits the sun, the solar system travels through the galaxy, the galaxy rotates. This spaceship Earth. Also through our lives.

Milos, Greece, this time; 2015
Sitting at a bar earlier by the sea, a pretty blonde woman, that looked all woman was hanging around then walked past me, I’d almost suspect that she’d read my blog. But only two people have the address and only one looked, before I said much, and my stats say no one is looking. Then again that could be good, I might delete it all anyway. Why write it then, because it is who I am, who I was, and who I might be.

The first time I travelled round the Mediterranean, more excerpts, not the whole stories;
The only time we worked was when we were in Israel, The Golan Heights on a moshav, a moshav is like a kibbutz, except you get paid, though have to pay rent and for food, information rather than part of the story.
We are in a field, well more like a plateau, working, I see a whole in the ground, I call the rest, the Israeli ex-fighter pilot goes down into it, comes back up holding something, and throws it to me, I catch it. He starts laughing, I look at what I am holding, he tells me it’s an anti-tank missile, it explodes on impact, if I would have dropped it, boom, we all get blown to smithereens. I give it back to him, he is still smiling, mad bastard, I can’t help smiling back. Well I might have thrown it back…

I am in a bar on Mykonos, merry rather than drunk dancing, well a bar / club, then I look around and just in front of me to the right is a blonde with curly hair, Swedish I guess, she is dancing with a Greek guy, your typical Adonis, black wavy hair, six foot, I lean over and say to her in Swedish, I love you, she looks rounds, checks me out and starts dancing with me, the Greek guy looks at me smiles and shrugs, I smile and shrug. He starts dancing with the woman behind him. I look to my left and there is another blonde long straight hair, more curvaceous than the one I am dancing with who is more svelte. I lean across and say, I love you in Swedish. She starts dancing with me, two Swedes, how did I know they were Swedes, well they both were, what when someone says blonde Swede most people would imagine. We are dancing, I seem to remember they are sideways on to me and I have an arm around each, and they are kissing either side of my face, and telling me that there are five of them in total, the two I am dancing with are friends, and they are on the next beach over and if I come over to see them tomorrow, they have lots of suntan lotion…
A none dangerous time dancing, guys were all mellow and if the woman wants to dance with someone else it’s cool. We were all like that then, so were the woman.

We are on Crete, we’d been put up in a few apartments, a lot of the restaurants and the people who work in them say hi, they often invite us in for a beer and maybe some food, they don’t charge us, they want to talk to us, they tell us some stories anecdotes about the summer, and we tell them some back packing, travelling stories. it’s good for business, people seeing us all talking and laughing, brings customers in, and if we can chat to the other customers and tell them a few stories that’s cool…

We are living on a beach on Crete, one of the restaurants looks after our backpacks during the day, and we eat there at night, we are paying this time. Often we would go off after to a bar/club and dance. Pick up our beach mats and sleeping bags, leave our backpacks locked in the restaurant for the night and sleep on the beach…

I am at Giza, not sure where my friend is this day, I am learning to ride and then race a camel, a young Bedouin about my age is teaching me. We are racing off into the desert and then back towards Giza, he tells me he wants me to come out in the desert properly, not as a tourist but as a guest, out to the Bedouin encampment…

I am on Mykonos, I know, I jumped back in time, it’s still the first time round the Med, I am sitting with the Swedish guy we met on the ferry, well him and his girl friend, we had been drinking, we are sitting in amongst rocks at a table, The Yacht  Club by the harbour, I think the place was. My friends crashed at theirs and so has his girl friend…
I wouldn’t trust you crashing with my girlfriend, he is slurring quite badly, they are a couple of years older, I am saying back to him, I think you are confusing me with my friend, she’d be perfectly safe with me, we had been talking on and off for hours, or slurring at each other. Above us on the rocks, a woman starts talking to us, well me, saying something about she’s been looking for me all over town for half the night, O I forgot it’s about four in the morning. I’m like what, and then she starts talking or telling me I am a DJ, I am hammered, I am saying I am not a DJ, the Swedish guy is saying he’ll be a DJ. She is ignoring him and just keeps saying to me I am a DJ, and I am saying I am not a DJ. She comes down and sits with us, and I recognise her then, she’s a Dutch woman who works in the bar/club where I met the Swedish women. Then she starts again explaining very slowly, their DJ has left or been sacked, she was a bit vague and they need a new DJ and she told her boss I could be their DJ. I am still saying I am not a DJ, the Swede is still saying he’ll be their DJ, she’s still ignoring him, she obviously doesn’t want him to be their DJ. She explains a bit more to me, which will be in the full story… eventually she goes. The Swedish guy starts saying over and over Russell’s going to be a DJ. I am still saying I am not a DJ, I don’t want to be a DJ. We meet and have breakfast with his girlfriend and my friend, and of course the first thing he says is Russell’s going to be a DJ.

I am falling through time and space, yes in many senses I am, memory, why I say it, the memories resurge, they take me there. And why time and space, time, obviously, but space isn’t just about geography, for since the Earth is always moving, I have always thought that a time machine also has to move in space, back to the same coordinates that correspond to the time. The reason I came to these magical isles to write is because I have always found them magical, filled with history, beauty, art and of course the lovely people on them that have always treated me so well. And since I read Greek myths and legends as a child, the very dust brings to life the past.

“Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results” Margaret Atwood

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”  Oscar Wilde

I have and will mention some rather famous people on here, if anyone thinks that these parts from my life are not true they could always get in touch with the people I mention or their PR companies or representatives and see what would happen, which I already know because they are things that happened and are true so only I can take them down. Saying that after this site stopped working I have not put it all back up yet. Which I will do.

After living in Amsterdam, which I did because I needed a break from London and because I love contemporary dance. On my return one of the first things I decided to do was drop into the ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art) and see if anyone was around I knew. It was 1998 I put on my Goldie bronze silk and linen suit drove into to the centre. London it seemed a nice way to return and I was looking for a distraction from thinking about Amsterdam and Paula’s visit and how many times over a few years we had broken up and got back together. So the ICA I arrived and headed straight for the bar up the stairs to the mezzanine. Got to the bar not having looked around and as was normal waited my turn to be served. ‘Bump’ someone bumped quite heavily into my shoulder, I turned and said sorry,  I was standing still when it happened. As I turned and said sorry I was looking into the most amazing huge blue luminous eyes and a blinding white smile. I was quite stunned, my sorry was met with a dazzling reply from those blue eyes and smile. The barman has just placed my drink and I turned to pay picked my drink up and found a free table to sit at by the windows, though the seats faced into the bar. All I could think was ‘fuck another beautiful woman’. I had not wanted to think about Paula, though I had been tempted to call her and let her know I was back in London, I was hoping to see some arts friends with good conversation and laughter. Then the shock of another beautiful woman literally bumping into me. So I was looking around the bar to see if there was anyone I knew. The blonde who I had bumped with at the the bar was smiling over at me, then waved. I just kept thinking ‘fuck’. Well I never or hardly ever go from one relationship to another, I usually want some me time to recover. I looked around again and yes the gorgeous blonde was still chilling and waving she had also started bouncy up and down in her sit. She was across the bar seated by the stairs facing towards me, now those seats as I recently discovered have been replaced with a stand with draws and crisps. I looked either side to see if I was mistaken that she was smiling and waving at someone else other than me. There was a woman seated to my right on the next table. She saw me look around and said you know that beautiful blonde who bumped into you at the bar, and yes she is smiling and waving at you, do you know who she is. I said, ‘No’ she started laughing and said how can you not know who she is. I said why should I. She said it is Emma Bunton. Me who ?. Baby Spice. I am looking confused. She laughs again and says The Spice Girls. Finally the penny drops. I am thinking fucking hell, one of the most famous women on the planet shit. I realise most would not understand my reaction, or not how I was thinking it. I had run across rock and popstars before it was not because she was famous or rather it was but I was not thinking of it as positive thing. I had or was coming out of a relationship with a beautiful woman that was a tv producer. Now another woman that is not only beautiful but world famous. Sometimes my life seems cursed nothing is ordinary or goes the way most peoples lives seem to. Don’t get me wrong I never grew up wanting an ordinary life, but a relationship with a woman I find attractive, is intelligent with hopefully a great personality and a beautiful heart. Most would say I expect a lot; but then at least 70% of women I meet are that. But no I now have a woman smiling and waving at me that probably fits that but she is a world famous popstar to boot. O shit. I ask the woman on the next table what is Baby Spice doing here, she tells me there is a private party upstairs for EMI records but a lot came down to the bar as it seemed more fun. I said yes I have been to a few private parties up in the rooms myself, another story. Baby Spice is talking to the people she is with and still looking over smiling bouncy and waving. My insanity I am trying to ignore her, it was not I did not find her attractive of course I did, she was arts and media my kind of thing, she was so much my kind of woman it scares me. I hardly ever get scared but she was and is world famous, which I knew from a few people I had met in the past who were, no peace, going out anywhere press photographers. She had got up with a male friend and was still looking over and smiling. Gradually though not to obviously moving in my direction. The woman on the table next to me said something about what she was seeing happening. Baby Spice was about 2 meters away by now. I dropped my head in my hands and said to myself ‘fuck’ not the most flattering reaction she might have expected but it was a serious head fuck for me. I looked up into those eyes and that smile, downed my drink looked at her and shrugged and started walking away. I looked back over my shoulder as I walked away and I  saw she had her head against the mans shoulder she had come towards me with. A friend I presume. I am not sure but she, Baby Spice might have been crying as I left. I was feeling like shit as I might have made this wonderful woman cry. I left the ICA, found a phone box, called Paula and went round to see her, the last time we ever made love. The following day I checked and unless Baby Spice has a doppleganger it was her a stunningly beautiful 22 year old at the time, me not much older really. Though stressed after our brief encounter and feeling shit and like I should have probably talked to her… She would not have a clue who I am but might remember that evening in the ICA at a n EMI record party as I can not imagine she has hit that hard on many men. Me I might not believe it if it had not happened to me but then my life it was maybe slightly more extreme but not that unusual. By that I do not mean world famous beautiful popstars, but beautiful women… I often think as many men have told me that time is over but I still talk to beautiful intelligent women, and did recently to one who was much more my kind of woman than a world famous popstar or a fashion model just below super model status tat I once got invited to the supermarket with to go shopping. And this is now 2017, though she was older than 22, over 28 and one of my favourite ages for a woman and of course arts and media. Maybe if anyone ever reads this they might wonder why arts and media, well if you ever meet me you will realise how much I love talking, listening and conversations in general, so commonality some same interests to talk about, though most pretty women or women that think they are beautiful do not seem to think much of me, stunningly beautiful women or some do, even if we have not spoken. Then if they speak to me everything gets crazier and more intense…

Then if Baby Spice was the only world famous pop-star I have ever talked to or showed an interest in me, I might be more freaked by it, as I was at the time, though not for exactly that reason… Then I have had a few pop-stars talk to me before and since most just talking but a few with not the same reaction but similar to Baby Spices… Then I remember talking to a friend Adam ex fashion model artist, DJ and musician and said to him you might have been happier than me if these things had happened to you… After all having beautiful women hitting on you or sleeping with some might well a few more than that might sound wonderful but if it does not work out turns into another head fuck… and if they are truly pissed with you because they loved you they might e ore than pissed… Then I was talking to someone earlier today about a gorgeous Italian, Sicilian that was ‘built for war’ if you know what that means and why I did not… maybe I should just drowned myself in these opportunities… Then maybe they will just stop… Then also I am a romantic whatever that means and still look for, well sometimes a woman that I could spend time with, well when I am not running metaphorically from people like Baby Spice or the Sicilian that was ‘built for war’ had her own business on Sicily and a beach house, she showed me all the pictures on her phone… If I am insane it might be in this way… after a few more than a few relationships I might not necessarily be cynical, more a concern of having my head seriously messed up again, I have also seen at different times through life I think 6 different fashion models, funnily enough 4 of which before  ever shot or worked in fashion and various other women that I could only describe as poetry in motion and poetry of the mind, even if they change after it does not work…

I also have my book on my art, which is a physical book made by myself, so an artists book in The Tate Gallery in London; it is in their special archive of artists books with all the other artists books they have acquired through time, and contains examples of my installation art, sculpture, painting, writing, poetry, photography etc. Some of the photography from that book is available in my iBook and all of the poetry examples from my artist book are available in my poetry ibook.

A link to my book on iBooks, more books to follow; My poetry iBook

My photography book on iBooks; My photography iBook

And as  mentioned apart from all my other photographs in my photography iBook there are many from the time that Thundering Through the Desert comes from…

I have been shooting video while driving for years, had a tripod set up in the passenger seat of my car with a video camera on it on many occasions while driving across Europe to Sweden and back and to Spain and back as well as around various cities, road trip video, for some of my video art pieces… I even carried an old full size SVHS video camera in a backpack when I was travelling about 12 years ago and have video from walking through the forest and ruins at Olympos Turkey for video art pieces… Backpack was incredibly heavy as as well as the video camera I had the charger and a stills camera, as well as the usual clothes etc most people have in their backpacks while travelling…

Pete H my friend I backpacked with the first time I travelled round the Mediterranean sea; in the Sahara desert with a pyramid at Saqqara, Egypt in the background. Many more of my travel photographs from the first time I backpacked round the Mediterranean and many since through time of travelling and other kinds of photographs can be found in my photography book here: 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/odysseys-travels-camera-through/id1183644709

I just read this in one of my old sketch books I took travelling/backpacking that first time around the Mediterranean, it is an entry I wrote while in Egypt; “Money’s lower than what I thought, 15 Egyptian pounds, $20 American, £12 sterling and till the 24th, and a felucca yet to get…”

From an early age one of the of the many things I have been interested in is exploring this world we live in, talking to the people in different places, trying to understand them, and working with art, words etc. to encourage and help make it a better place for all. Art, words open the mind to new ideas, perceptions, experiences; it opens up new ways of thinking and engaging with the world. Since I have a passion for art from the cave paintings to ancient Egyptian art, Greek art etc all the way through to renaissance to contemporary art it has always made me feel like I am a world citizen, not just a European but the whole world, the Benin bronzes and other works from Africa, Japanese art, particularly Japanese block printing and ceramics, a long list that goes on and on… I also have an abiding love of history which started at 5 with dinosaurs and fossils, then ancient Greek and Egyptian history from 6 or 7 as well as dinosaurs etc… Then philosophy, ethics and fiction from about 12… and many other things at the time and since… and still have a love of dinosaurs…

Middlesex University, old Hornsey school of art;

A woman who isn’t at art school often, she is in the year above me, though we usually talk when she is, every time we talk she lights up like a christmas tree, or maybe she glows from inside, I might light up myself, though I can’t see myself. We talk of many different things. I know she sings on peoples tracks on their releases she has told me. She is seeing someone though, someone I like. A really nice guy that many of the women think looks like an archetypal Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. Then one day he sits down in the canteen with me and starts telling me they have broken up, and he doesn’t know why, he thought they were going well. The next time I see her and talk she is going out with someone else I know, really like, and I think is cool. Though still whenever we talk the lights go on. Though she did make somethings plain to me on at least one occasion. The last time I saw and spoke to her was our years final show. Someone had bought me a CD, and she was singing on one of the tracks. I talk to her and usual thing, I tell her I heard her singing on the CD and that she has a beautiful voice and sings like an angel. We talk some more and she goes off. My friends overhear us and lets say abuse me. I turn round and say, because as far as I know that is the situation. That she is still seeing the guy, the guy I know and breaking up someones relationship, I think, is not a good way to start one. Though later I am not sure if they were still in a relationship, even when she made somethings very clear, they might have been friends by then, but she didn’t say. And then I didn’t know how to contact her. Then years on she became one of the biggest pop stars in the world, I say pop, I am not sure of the genre. And I believe I did see her headline somewhere saying, that she was one of the sexiest women on the planet, or asking if she was the sexiest woman on the planet. Alison Goldfrapp. I tried to contact her a few times, difficult. Then on a fashion shoot, the hairstylist and I are chatting, not unusual when you are the photographer, and we find out we both know her. She is her hairstylist. So I ask her to say hello. I tell one of my friends from art school and he pulls a face. I get a reply. He asks what it is. I tell him, “Yes I know him, what does he want.” My friend turns round and ask me what I did. I shrug and say nothing. He pulls another face and says I am surprised she replied, even if she does remember you, what did you expect her to be jumping up and down and asking to see you. I shrug and say sort of, I thought her reply sounded more like a what does he want now, disinterest. He just looked at me, and asked what did you want. I said something like, a drink, a conversation, to have a connection like that with someone, even in the past, I thought if nothing else we could be friends. I always did miss talking to her. And might have messed up by not asking her out in the past…

Alison when I knew her singing ‘Pumpkin’ a track on Tricky’s first CD Maxinquaye

One has to wonder about law and justice, and whether they exist, and if they do not what is this thing we call civilisation and what it is built on… And where we are heading or whether the human race is heading anywhere… I mean I was taken to court on totally invented charges in Spain and assaulted by the Guardia Civil in 2016 for no reason, I was told I was acquitted at the trial, the whole proceedings seemed highly illegal, I was informed at the time I could not mention it on social media as I could be charged for breaking the law if I did. I might well have had my book of poetry stolen by an ex of mine, and published and claimed by her as her own work, but I have definitely had her and others, make false accusations against myself… I just mentioned to a Greek woman from Athens  I will return to Athens at some time in the future, and she said why ? I did have several Greek women from Athens come up to me recently in London and ask me for directions, who were extremely polite, friendly and apologetic for asking me but grateful I helped them… And I do believe, that there will many people in Greece in general to see me again… After all I did have people calling out ‘Odysseus’ and ‘Beauty’ to me at Mykonos old harbour before I left… Though the older Greek woman seemed to think the way she said why that the Greeks would not welcome back the man they called Odysseus and beauty that is also one of the greatest artist and at least fashion photographers alive, also someone that writes beautifully including poetry and is still writing their first book their travels, and has several more planned about their life… As I was recently talking to an ex Lady Mayoress of London that when I mentioned a few more things about my life, including 2 world famous pop stars that I really should write more about my life… I will also I am sure return to Spain to pick up my mothers ashes that appear to have been taken, after my brother in Spain was evicted for the second time by a landlord and was put on a plane in the clothes he was wearing, forced to leave my mothers ashes, all her possessions, his possessions and many of mine behind… and not having any money to return to do anything about it at the time… I would also guess I will be going to Italy and several other countries in the future to see whether and how many honest and good people there are there… Rather than people that not only believe lies but spread them… Then I am sure nothing will stop until ‘The Good’ future I know is possible starts to happen… People seem under the impression if things do not happen by going through the courts, which is what I want to do nothing more will happen… What they seem totally not to realise is the future is already happenings, and that 95% of jobs will disappear and not be replaced… and unless ‘The Good’ future I know is possible happens, neither them nor their children have a future. Also if the law and justice do not work, then civilisation is already breaking down, and will continual too. And if another dark age falls we will not rise from it… That is their is not war first to finish what is left of civilisation… There are several futures I know are possible… Including one where a few corporations and people own and control virtually everything… Most of the human populations is disenfranchised more so than maybe anytime in history… between automation and AI, as far as the controlling interests of a very few minority 5 billion people plus become superfluous to existence… 

Though I have always wished my ex’s well, I do think it is not returned… But suspect that if they have been lying about myself with others and accusing me of anything they will never know any peace… As will not people that have been hassling me… 

I mean hassling a person that writes things like The Angel of History… ??? and here is a screen shot from my Facebook… that shows when I wrote it on there… Though some I wrote in a note pad then put up on Facebook to see what people thought, but even if my art / work / poetry was not stolen and claimed by one of my ex’s I do not think it is written by a person that does terrible things… I mean a clinical psychologist could analyse my poetry and I think they would agree… Written by a person with a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind…

I can keep proving what I say and have said is true, but people seem to prefer believing liars… Liars that are making money out of their lies about myself, directly or indirectly… Which does not say much for the human race as a whole… or culture or civilisation… Maybe I should put up a photograph of the ‘Wailing wall’ with the Mosque of the Golden Dome or is it the Dome of the Rock, will check… behind it… Jerusalem city the first time I backpacked around the Mediterranean with my friend Pete… And a selection of other shots from different times and places… All photographed by myself… Any evidence against myself of any misdeeds is either lies, little performances put on and maybe photographed or videoed… I mean I was walking across the Plaza in Partoloa going to the Plaza Bar… and the daughter of the people running it after Saskia and John, started acting strange and saying do not look at me in a bikini, not that I was, I was trying to have a quiet drink… Her mother who obviously saw her do it… Said as she used to “Ignore her, my daughter is a real madame and a pain.”, I say as she use to as she use to also plonk herself down next to me while having a quiet drink outside… as though I wanted to talk to her… Then there seems to be something about my boots… I left my most of my things in Spain with my brother, now when I left I picked upa pair of my Hi-techs, or what I thought was a pair, though turned out to be one of each of the 2 pairs that were there at the time… and threw them in the car… with some of my other possessions… So left an odd pair with my brother and much else… The evening and night I drove around taking photographs of villas in the evening, I never got out my car, had a white van behind me continually flashing its lights… which also followed the short drive to my brothers, formerly my mothers villa… I asked them to call the Guardia Civil as they seemed upset I had taken a few photographs from the road from the inside of my car… That time driving I was wearing my leather Caterpillar motorbiks boots… Not really a sports wear wearer unless doing sports… Not any Hi-Techs, only bought and wore them for walking in the mountains, what they were designed for… I have not mentioned many things as I thought legal representation would sort it out… But by the time I am talking to serious legal people, they have mentioned it is too late… Nothing is ever to late… and if people would have talked to me at the time it would have been within time… but as it is still going on obviously it is not too late… In other words people are still trying to fuck me over… Personally I think it was a bad move when they started and still is… What do you all think ?

Obviously if I go quiet or my blogs go down as they have that is to do with interference by people not me… Also having people, woman keep telling one they will kill themselves if they are not with you, among other things, and lies… Is emotional blackmail… And if I go quiet I suspect there are many people who will do many things not in my control…

An email from the stunningly gorgeous model that use to jump on me, dry hump me, but I never had sex with… though they use to jump all over me naked and harly wear clothes when round… Then I am use to stunningly beautiful women clothed or naked, and up to them if they want to have sex with me or not, well as long as I do too… But do not like people lying to me… and I do suspect she still is in love with me but maybe hates me more for whatever reason she has decided… all time stamped and dated have the original backed up all over the place and texts… Women madly in love with you but lie to you and about you when it does not work out, then keep telling someone that they will kill themselves if they are not with you makes things difficult… Sent to me in French but I have put an English translation….

“Oui, merci beaucoup. Bien sûr, votre art est en sécurité avec moi. J’ai juste montré à ma mère sur l’écran, comme je ne sais pas si vous voudriez qu’il a transmis. Elle était taciturne ..

Vous avez bien dormi?

Je t’aimerai toujours.

Xx”

“Yes thank you very much. Of course, your art is safe with me. I have
just showed to my mother on the screen, as I do not know if you would like
he transmitted. She was taciturn ..

Did you sleep well?
I will always love you.
xx”

Also have lots of social photographs of her, shot on my mobile phone when out and about and some of her doing the washing up naked etc… could post them on Instagram I suppose as I have copyright… Then have some of Charli Howard too, yes that Charli Howard as she modelled for me, so were not social but art and Charli use to email and ring me, including once when she told me that she spoke to her doctor and he asked her if she had no friends and she told me she told him me, as I was the only one that seemed to care whether she was alive or dead…  Charli and myself were just friends well friends according to her… which was very nice of her to say…

Put up some new photographs on instagram… I think most people will find interesting… And I heavily suspect unless this is all sorted out legally things could get out of control… Not of my choosing or control… Trying to bury this or fuck me over will not work from what I can gather, what do you all think ? Then if most people were good and decent worldwide it will not be a problem…

A lot of people have mentioned myself making money from this my blog… I have never made money from it, and according to my statistics no one ever reads it… Though people in Greece obviously have, being called Odysseus and beauty at Mykonos old harbour, police at Gatwick airport arriving back from Greece in 2015… When I talked to them and said I had been hassled across the Greek islands and in Athens… They turned round and said, “What like thundering across the desert being chased by a pack of wild dogs.” and then laughing, when I asked what they meant by that and how did they know the name of my blog… said they did not know what I was talking about… and thousands of similar things since… even people walking past me in the street… I was told recently a lot of people have or do read my blog, and in fact I am also instagram famous… Now how people are reading my blog when I have no stats to say so… or any revenue money for them doing it is a question or several… Also how a bunch of people lying about me are making a fortune directly and indirectly doing it… Obviously the police in the UK have been aware of my blog, or some at least since before I arrived back in the UK in 2015… And are also aware of the people lying about me… and making money doing it… Surely that is illegal one of the reasons though I have tried talking to the police in UK twice on 2015 at West Central station they did not want to talk to me seriously… Though I could have supplied them with enough information to refute any allegations or accusations against myself… Also illegal surely… ? That is apart from all the others things that have happened before and since… I think it goes a lot further than incompetence on the polices part… The UK police  are politely hassling me at the moment and have lied to me at least once in the last few weeks… What else they are lying to me about who knows…

I also suspect I have a bunch of other bloggers and have had making money about writing about myself… All making money from my true stories about my life, people I have known and my adventures…

As for the people lying about me, well they appear to have done to make money and to be ‘someone’ well they have made money with lies, as for being ‘someone’ have they not just proved they are no-one or no-ones just lying trash… rather repulsive sad people with nothing about themselves but living off my life and adventures… And what are the police dong about them while they break the law… Apparently nothing, I was under the impression the police were suppose to enforce the law, not decide to or not or too even decide what the law was…

I have had a number of beautiful women hit on me, by beautiful I mean the kind of beautiful that ones rarely sees or ever except in maybe magazines… And in fact a number of women that have been in many magazines… The tallest woman that ever hit on me was 6 foot 1 inch… Though lots that were 5 foot 11 inches including a number of beautiful fashion models… but other beautiful women that were tall… I have generally said when this happens “You are a bit tall for me” some have replied we are all the same height laying down… and laughed… Many people, mostly men I suspect think stunningly beautiful women do not lie… Maybe because they have never been in a relationship with any… Though not all stunningly beautiful women lie, many do, being stunningly beautiful the ones that do think they can and seem to think nothing of it… I have had stunningly beautiful women lie to me about themselves so I would either want to get into a relationship with them or to keep me in a relationship with them… Which I find very strange as one thing I always say to women I am in a relationship with is do not lie to me as if you do how can I trust you… If they lie to try to keep me in a relationship with them, when it does not work out, it does make one wonder what lies they would tell about me…

“Stronger than lover’s love is lover’s hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make.” Euripides… I must say personally one thing I realise in respect to this quote is I have an inability to hate, ex-lovers,  in general, people. Though I am not convinced that is reciprocated. 

Many things happen in life… all lives, though mine seems a bit more unusual than most from what I can gather, I have various people who know next to nothing saying things like “Well get a job” Now being a world class artist, photographer and writer, I have several jobs, I should be represented by a commercial gallery selling my work, a photographic agency and a publisher… and making money from all. Though that is not happening at the moment… I am also a very ethical person and apparently a thinker of probably world class as well… This is from Charli Howard I had not heard from her for sometime…

From: charli.howard@yahoo.com

Date: 2 December 2010 12:34:04 GMT

To: info@russellhand.com

Subject: Remember me?

Reply-To: charli.howard@yahoo.com

Hi Russell,

You should remember me! Its charli..I know we didn’t end on a good note and me telling you to fuck off or whatever, but I’ve been thinking of contacting you for a while now..I hope nothing bad has happened, I hope it’s all going good for you. If you don’t email me back then that’s fine (I’m not even sure if this is your right email address but I’ll give it a shot anyway).

Well I’ve started at the London College of Fashion and met genuinely nice people..I have to hand in some work today actually..although the course itself is really difficult and more work than I expected, and secretly I wish I was still modelling. I’ve lost weight (quite a bit actually) since you last saw me – I am now a proud owner of a 24 inch(ish) waist and managed to get down to 8 stone at one point. Storm asked me to come in and see them so I did – they made me lose weight, so I did it healthilyish and went back, only for them to be cunts and say I was too short. So I went to Select who were nice and said I was too short (why the fuck do they scout me then?! Jesus).

I got up really early this morning to go to Viva (they have a few supermodels on their books, like Agyness Deyn) and was quite happy that they asked to see me. I stuffed my socks to make myself taller and everything but my idea didn’t go quite to plan and I only ended up half an inch taller. So after being told I was too short for them (for fucks sake, they knew my height before I went in) I’m now sitting in a cafe eating my feelings away..and feel I’m going to throw up. (Also the stuffing in my socks really hurts).

The only “good” (hmm) agency who are sending me for a test is Profile – they have this supermodel on their books called Bianca Balti who I wish I looked like, and they discovered Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley as well, but the booker is ditsy as fuck. She gets NOTHING done. I’ve been waiting to test for 3 weeks now, and if I email her she doesn’t reply. Grrrrr. But I think Profile might be a good stepping stone for me. At least they’re not as shit as D1. And I don’t want to go to Models 1 (yet) as that nob Chris is dating one of the bookers, so potentially that could be arkward. Also I hit him in the balls so I don’t think we’re on speaking terms. I’m also not on speaking terms with Viking cause I kicked him in the balls too after a visit to his flat..to be honest he deserved it. I wasn’t speaking to him anyway, just felt like getting revenge and pretended I wanted to see him. I shouldve listened to you where boys were concerned, but I was that arrogant little 18 year old who “knew it all”. Weird that I’ll be 20 in a few months. I’ve learned a lot since then.

My parents live in berlin now..so I need to look after myself more. I’ve stopped taking drugs (well – coke) to heal pain and am on a drugs rehabilitation thingy and counselling. The man says its a shame I’m 19 and have been through a lot. There are things that have happened I wish I could tell you but can’t. Sorry.

I’m also getting help for my “eating” – its such a relief after about 8 years of hell. This year has been shit, I don’t know about yours. Cannot wait for 2011.

I’m sorry about how I acted towards you. But you shouldn’t have rang up my house cause my dad wouldve got quite mad (no offence). Most of it was the drugs talking. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was also severley depressed. I’ve been on Prozac three times this year alone. I wanted to end it all – its a horrible way of living wondering whether you should throw yourself under a tube or a bus, or take an overdose, and whether anyone would give a shit.

I hope things are working out for you and that you’re in love..I’m still waiting for that someone..

Charli x”

Now the call I made she is referring too was talking to her mother as I thought Charli needed more support from her family and some other help… Now I have lots of compassion and tolerance as I think this does show… And she seems to be trying to apologise to me in some ways but still not sure… Something I have said several times to people but maybe should take my own advise… Not necessarily about Charli, but in general… Never help anyone they will never forgive you…. Might sound cynical and I must admit when someone helps me I always appreciate it but like much in life not everyone thinks this way… Charli mentioned in this email seeking counselling for drugs and alcohol as I had spent time talking to her to get counselling and as well for ‘suicidal tendencies’… To be young and want to die before one has even lived is an abomination which says more about the world humans have made than the individual… There are many reasons she is apologising… Charli did use to ring or text me occasionally, including accusing me of stalking her & various other things… Sometimes friendly sometimes not… In fact she once sent me an abusive text when I was in a bar with 6 women, as she had received several phone calls from a private number, and seemed to think it was me for some reason, I did text back saying I have not a clue what you are on about, I am out in a bar with 6 women, you can ring if you like and talk to them, I was been with them for a few hours, so it was not me… Why you would think it was I do not know… Then Charli was not particularly bright, as she mentioned in her email, was drunk and drugged up on coke a lot of the time… could not write particularly well, evidenced by the email above, and was incredibly self centred and narcissistic… I once asked the head of new faces at Models1, Alice at the time, if she would see Charli and if possible sign her, the only model I have ever sent to any modelling agency… I then got quite an abusive call from Charli as Models1 did not want to sign her… They were ‘cunts’ as well, and she seemed to think it was my fault for some unfathomable reason… Now anyone reading this email from her must notice one thing at least… Her asking if I remember her… which seems obvious we had not had contact for a while and she was wondering if I had forgotten her… I am sure Charli has been coached and had ghost writers help her with everything… I was speaking to someone who ghost writes a few month back… And they told me ‘You wold not believe the illiterate shit I get, a few words of rubbish, I then have to craft into a beautifully worded story… usually for celebrities who cannot either write or think very well… or at all… Then with Charli when we did use to text, phone or email… Half the time when I would send her something asking if she was alright… I would get back ‘fuck off stalker’ the other half of the time ‘Sorry for my last text, no things are bad, I want to kill myself ‘… I do wonder as well… as I know she is backed by Refinery29 Inc… And for all I know backing others that have a difficulty with things like truth and honesty… Whether they have been doing things they should not, Refinery29 Inc, as so many corporations these days seem to want to get whatever they are after by any means… And basing policies on fake people or ideas is no way to go about a better future… Then my mad cat of many names… Well somewhat more substantial than Charli… and had a brain but suffered from not be able to tell the truth about virtually anything… extremely narcissistic and vain… as she told me on several occasions… and use to get upset when I did not believe her lies… and seemed to think lying did not matter…

Now when it comes to ideas like stalking, I do think that if anyone has been ‘stalked’ it is me… by a number of people across several countries, that have also been spreading lies about me… A number of people conspiring and lying to destroy my reputation, discredit me and my life… helped by a number of corporations and other interested parties… Now I am not a ‘conspiracy theorist’… Then if something is actually happening it is not a ‘conspiracy theory’ but an actual event or number of events… But it does beg the question why is it so important to discredit me ?…

One of the many texts from my cat of many names… There are some where she talks about her dubious Indian Welsh mother… I would assume she is still having problems with her like she always did…

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VENV

BEGIN:VBODY

Date:20.06.2013 00:09:37

TEXT;CHARSET=UTF-8;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE:I’m in bed. =0AI love you. X

END:VBODY

END:VENV

END:VMSG

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

You might wonder why  backed up and kept so much… well she was very disturbed, not by me, but life and her parents, I was her heart and the person that tried to help her and the only person she thought could… and when it comes to her problems she was and still is right… whatever sado she is with now…

And in case you are wondering if it is from her;

If anyone thinks I take the slightest pleasure in this… they are sadly mistaken… I could have done this years ago… but never wanted to believe it was Arielle / Axelle / and as I found out Ava D all the same person… with many others lying about me… Now if any one of them wants to take me to court it will be my pleasure… But they will not because they are lying… and will lose… But if they want to please do… It will save me the bother… And I have not given the links to Arielle’s hideous photographs I found online when I eventually looked or Charli’s come to that… And in my life I am use to stunningly gorgeous women of all ages, legal ages liking me… As stills happens even now… Well they do then seem to be poisoned against me… Arielle etc… my cat of many names needs a lot of help and support… Probably much more than she realises… and apart from the time she knew me… looks for it in all the wrong places…

Then another reason no one wants me in a real court of law, though I was taken to court on made up changes in Spain and I was told I was acquitted… But everything seemed so illegal about the whole thing I do not now know… But getting back to why nobody wants me in a legal court of law is because all and I do mean all my stories about my life I have mentioned are true… which would mean all the people I have mentioned so far plus many others would have to turn up to corroborate what I have said or stand perjured… Which would be a lot of famous people… Which apart from anything else, would make any accusations against me seem so farfetched as to be as ridiculous, as they are… Just lie about me on social media and have the police cover up for you… Seems to be their plan… and the police not really doing their job… enforcing the law… seem to be quite happy to go along with it… Not sure it is because the police are stupid or incompetent or corrupt… probably a mixture with different members of the various police involved… And the idea that most men, women or children are honest tell the truth is a joke… Most do not… and if you do not believe that you do not know life… most men, women and children lie… Look it up… I am quite exceptional because strangely in this day and age I tell the truth and am honest… whether it gets me into trouble or not…

Arielle (Axelle / Gemma / Ava D) at Hever Castle Kent… She had asked to go there as she told me she had not been there since she was a kid and her father took her… I asked her if her house was as big as Hever Castle… The one she told me she lived in in the country… Arielle did say it was, the main part but not as all of it… as big her house that is… We spent sometime walking around… Then the lake walk… and when we were at the other end to the castle she wanted to lay down by the lake… as usual she tok her dress off… wanted to get my cloths off, but I said No… Not el fresco nude personally… Arielle then laid on top of me naked… I did say people could see from the boats, but she did not care… Lots of other conversation as well… She was very quick at taking her clothes off and putting them back on… We ended up getting locked in as she would not put her clothes back on… and had to walk round and ask how to get back out… We then had dinner in the nearby pub… Arielle always wanted to eat vast amounts of food… I did wonder if she was bulimic (bulimia nervosa), though she told me she was gluten intolerant… O Arielle had just had her hair straightened a few days before, 4 hours in a hair salon in Shoreditch, Brazilian wax or some such… I wondered off and left her to it… Though returned when she phoned… they did give me a cocktail for free in there but… Also I preferred her hair wavy as it naturally was…

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VENV

BEGIN:VBODY

Date:30.06.2013 23:19:08

TEXT;CHARSET=UTF-8;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE:Call failed..dubious Indian welsh mother didn’t hang up. x

END:VBODY

END:VENV

END:VMSG

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

Arielle’s mother took her mobile off her while we were talking… I was checking if she was alright… I had been down to Rochester to see her… and go around her old school King’s School Rochester, though not sure if she actually went there or something strange happened, as when we were walking around she heard someones voice, and said it was an old teacher she wanted to avoid… So we left the school building and went to the cafe… Then she also use to jump on me in Rochester castle, though not this day, and sit straddled  on top of me… Which I did point out, as Arielle was not wearing knickers and had to pull her dress up each time… and coming from the area people would see… But she laughed and said they would assume she was wearing knickers and did not really care anyway… Then when ever Arielle use to see me she would get so excited she would literary jump up and down and try to take all her clothes off and jump on me… where ever we were…

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VENV

BEGIN:VBODY

Date:21.06.2013 22:09:16

TEXT;CHARSET=UTF-8;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE:I meant I’m so accustomed to isolation, that you may be frustrated by my b=

ehaviour and have given up by the time I adjust to being with you.=0A=0AI =

wish your arms were around me.

END:VBODY

END:VENV

END:VMSG

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VENV

BEGIN:VBODY

Date:21.06.2013 22:22:02

TEXT;CHARSET=UTF-8;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE:I do recognise and truly love you. I’m going to let sleep take me, if you’=

re ok. x

END:VBODY

END:VENV

END:VMSG

Strange how someone can love me so much that they jump up and down with excitement whenever they see me and then take all their clothes off and jump on me naked… Well dress Arielle, my cat of many names… hardly ever wore any underwear / lingerie… Tell me how much she loves me and she had not committed suicide as she had planned for many years because she met me.  Then when I want some truth from her about who she is and why she lies so much about herself… Then when it does not work out… Spreads lies about me, to try to totally fuck my life up… I do wonder do all my ex’s do this… They all want to give me their ‘heart and soul’… (Well apart from Arielle, she wanted to give me all of her, but I was her heart… ) Is that what some people do, though I understand the Euripedes quote…

“Stronger than lover’s love is lover’s hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make.” Euripides…

I must say personally one thing I realise in respect to this quote is I have a total inability to hate, ex-lovers, people in general, which even I find odd, I can love but I cannot hate… I can dislike some things in the abstract, but hate no… Though I am not convinced that is reciprocated especially by my ex-lovers… I understand the Euripides quote, but do not understand how someone can love some one so much and then when it does not work out hate them… Or maybe they thought as I think it is more than my cat of many names lets say… That they thought they would lie, spread lies about me, conspire with other people, before I could tell the truth of things… Maybe especially as I mentioned on my blog in 2015 that I was writing a book about my travels, my odyssey around the Mediterranean back-packing with Pete… They thought I would probably after writing that write about each part of my life in a series of books… and as I say tell the truth of things…

So they thought they would get in first with a bunch of lies too discredit me… 

And because my blog… went worldwide, as was obvious with the 100’s of people that came down to Mykonos harbour to see me before I left the island… calling out ‘Odysseus’ and ‘Beauty’ to me… As well as many other things, including talking to 2armed police when I arrived at Gatwick airport, to say I was being hassled across the Greek Islands and Athen over lies being spread about me… And they laughed and replied “What like ‘Thundering Through the Desert Being Chased by a Pack of Wild Dogs ?” then laughed again, and when asked by me ‘How do you know the name of my blog ?’ laughing again and saying “We do not know what you are talking about” only part of the conversation… Then others jumped on the band wagon to discredit me… A strange conversation with an oilman standing next to my car in central London in 2015 on the price of oil and it falling from $100 a barrel down to $50 a barrel… I had mentioned on my blog that fossil fuels were so 18th century and renewables were the future… Strange religious types and a whole assortment of other people… down to the just plain stupid and jealous… 

The strange thing is I still love my ex’s, though not in love with them… and would not have said or done or written anything bad or to make them look in a bad light… I always intended with most of them, well some of them to check they were alright, in themselves and financially, and help them if they were not… Thinking being one of the greatest artists on the planet and other positive things, I would have the money too, as well as get on with my other projects, you could say tech ones… And when it comes to Arielle, my cat of many names… I always intended to help her more than most as she needed as much help as possible with her psychological problems… Not just her lying and / or total inability to tell the truth about so many things… But her suicidal tendencies, depression and engagement with the world etc… Can my ex’s hate me so much or was it the chance of financial gain or a form of celebrity… Or as a number told me when we were together how jealous they were of me and my talents… Which I also never understood as I was always genuinely encouraging to them on theirs, or to do what they wanted…

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

BEGIN:VENV

BEGIN:VBODY

Date:21.06.2013 20:21:39

TEXT;CHARSET=UTF-8;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE:Sorry for the silence.. we’d decided to go out, as the gardener’s auditory=

pollution was maddening, and then my phone died. =0AShe concluded that I =

was wasting my youth, but my parents’ approval isn’t at all necessary. =0A=

X

END:VBODY

END:VENV

END:VMSG

BEGIN:VMSG

VERSION:1.1

X-IRMC-STATUS:READ

X-IRMC-BOX:INBOX

BEGIN:VCARD

VERSION:2.1

N;ENCODING=QUOTED-PRINTABLE;CHARSET=UTF-8:;;;;

TEL;CELL:+447753441808

END:VCARD

Arielle my cat of many names, explaining how her parents were upset she was in love with me, and how she was arguing with them that I was the one for her… Myself since she kept on about suicide was scared, something I am not generally use too, that if her parents made her not see me anymore, she would commit suicide as she had planned before she met me, and said she would if she was not seeing me anymore… Though it might cause condemnation for me, I was also in love with her, loved her and cared about her… I am bothered that I still might after all the problems Arielle my cat of many names has caused me, we seem entangled… As is obvious about her, to hate me so much, as to try to destroy my life… She must still love me so much… Be obsessed with me and know I am still her heart, I wonder was it too painful for her to have a heart… Or is it too painful for her to think her heart is wandering in the world, happy, brilliant and loved by others… and maybe loving some one else…

Cat rolling over and purring after stalking and biting me in Greenwich park… shot on my mobile phone as social as a couple… an ex…

Earlier shot of cat stalking me… ex Greenwich park…

Tender cat bite… Greenwich park London… reverse order chronologically… More of my ex and the woman who thought she was my cat on my instagram…

Charli Howard modelling for me surrounded by some of my fashion photographs… Shot with Mamyia RZ 6×7… More on my Instagram…

People often ask me what is my favourite book… they want a recommendation… I usually give the same ones… But for some reason another book I really like popped into my head, a book by Umberto Eco… though I like many by him… This one ‘Travels in Hyper Reality’, though it was published in English under 2 different titles. The other being ‘Faith in Fakes’… I like both titles… And as he knew then so many things are fake… I am not… I am straight and true… Then things should not be built on fake or shaky foundations as they are neither solid nor will they last… All things particularly for and in the future should be built on solid foundations… Nor should one put faith in fakes… they are transient at best… and fake…

I am a stranger in a strange land, struggling to get home, but then home is not what one thinks it is and is not there when one arrives… it seems to be the city of illusion… except of course my home is everywhere… My home is this Planet Earth, Gaia, hurtling through space, time and matter… Singing its own song and vibrating with the universe… and of course 2 references in there to books I read when very young…

Talking to a woman the other day, a biomedical university student just finishing university, I was surprised that she turned round and said “Can I quote you on that ?” Natasha, as that was who it was, was referring to me saying; ‘Of  course humans emit a eltromagnetic field’ in fact all living things do… This has been known for a long time and that other electro-magnetic fields can interfere with human ones… There have been many articles on why living near electric sub-stations or overhead high voltage power cables is not healthy. some people also say ‘ley-lines’ can be good or bad to live near depending on what kind, frequencies… It has been argued that ‘ley lines’ are electro-magnetic or gravitational variations, that they are produced by areas that are ‘fault’ lines similar to faults in the tectonic plates, lines of variance in the electro-magnetic field or gravitational field… Others have postulated that they are energy lines for the planet, Gaia so it can ‘breath’, and  that interfering or breaking them can ‘damage’ the ‘health’ of this planet Earth, Gaia… and that the Earth, Gaia is in fact a living breathing organism with all life being part of it… String theory which says all things ‘vibrate’ at different frequencies, by all things, I mean space time matter in the whole universe, like the stings on a violin or cello… Which would indicate that not just people by everything on the planet and the planet itself has its own frequencies, so not only are we connected to every living thing by DNA, but also electromagnetic fields and frequencies… Their is actually an page on the wikipedia on bioelectromagnetics; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioelectromagnetics

Neuroscientists are currently learning more and more about how the brain and body ‘work’ using the latest scanning technologies, and can now view neuron activity in the brain when different stimuli are provided, also for the body, as they interact in a much more complex way than was originally thought… One could theorise that variation in ‘frequency’ their electromagnetic field could cause different problems in people, physical or mental illnesses, and a human vibrating near optimum would be much healthier and their electromagnetic field would be more complete… Some of this might sound ‘mystic’ but it is one of the things about exponential advances in new technologies, how they are applied and thought… Why so many neuroscientists, a neuroscientist is someone that has usually studied psychology and is a scientist as well who uses technologies to scan, monitor and measure the body and brain, as I was saying why so many neuroscientists are extremely interested in mindfullness… both from a psychological point of view and a measurable scientific one, to do with how mindfullness does seem to promote better more open, adaptable balanced minds, and bodies… What surprised me about what Natasha said was her being a bio-medical student, she I thought would know the science know of this, and surprised that she was surprised that I said, yes humans have electromagnetic fields… cells do… Natasha is one of a number of wonderful people I have met by chance in a semi-suburban coffee shop in London, she also happens, apart from studying an extremely interesting subject, being an intelligent woman, to be a beauty queen, Miss Uganda 2015/2016… Mindfullness is not a religion…

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” Arthur Schopenhauer

Now someone mentioned Sherlock Holmes to me the other day… I am quite brilliant at deductive reasoning… But often do not want to believe the results bcause I do not want to think so badly of people… Even with virtually nothing to go on I can usually work things out over time… Especially about people I have known as I know what they are really like… Including when I am being lied too or lots of misdirection… Elementary my dear Watson…

Then the police seem to spend far too much time on social media and believing any crap on there rather than actually checking anything or doing investigations… and in most countries… last year the Metropolitan police were advertising jobs for people to help with investigations none police… Now if they and the police forces world wide want to know how to find every criminal of any kind on the planet and convict them I do believe I could help them with that, it is rather simple actually… deductive reasoning… and I am not joking it is actually easy… Whether they want to or not is more debatable… Then a police sergeant I was talking to the other day… turned around and said ‘I have backpacked too’… Which considering they all claim to know nothing about me or my blog is passing strange… and if they do as seems obvious with a comment like that… Sad… Another policeman talking to me, said ‘whole communities do not lie’… well actually they do, as he, the policeman lied to me… and if in doubt read the novel ‘Cider with Rosie’ by Laurie Lee…

Then the police seem to spend far too much time on social media and believing any crap on there rather than actually checking anything or doing investigations… and in most countries… last year the Metropolitan police were advertising jobs for people to help with investigations none police… Now if they and the police forces world wide want to know how to find every criminal of any kind on the planet and convict them I do believe I could help them with that, it is rather simple actually… deductive reasoning… and I am not joking it is actually easy… Whether they want to or not is more debatable… Then a police sergeant I was talking to the other day… turned around and said ‘I have backpacked too’… Which considering they all claim to know nothing about me or my blog is passing strange… and if they do as seems obvious with a comment like that… Sad… Another policeman talking to me, said ‘whole communities do not lie’… well actually they do, as he, the policeman lied to me… and if in doubt read the novel ‘Cider with Rosie’ by Laurie Lee…

Now the police seem happy to hassle me as they seem quite happy for people to hassle me when I am having a quiet cigarette by the road side… and when they give me high beam and I get pissed off video me for their sad little social media posts… Sad little people… with sad little minds ad sad little life… hardly my fault if they do not like their own lives… Their own children do not like them and lie to them… and then tell me… Why the fuck do I want to know all their children are suicidal and want to tell me… They had them… they fucked them up… How is it my fault…

Though maybe I should tell you one thing… Hypatia… You are not forgiven or absolved… No matter who, or what, or why you might think so… Her death is on you… You people that think you think or think you are good… Of whatever belief… race or creed and you are not absolutely not forgiven for Hypatia’s death… Not in all creation or by creation…

When I was going into the British Museum the other day… a Chinese guy behind me, said “I was in Greece then, it is not him” Now whether he was talking about 2015 and the people, 100’s, at Mykonos old harbour coming down and calling me ‘Odysseus’ & ‘Beauty’ or in 2003 when the Italians use to come down in the evening 10PM and chant and bow to me chanting ‘Prada’ O yes it was me… So more gas from someone that knows nothing… What was I doing at the British Museum, well, seeing, looking and learning more… One can always learn more no matter how much one already knows… and this cat… and other photographs…

Bastet female cat deity of ancient Egypt British museum… I do like cats and they do like me… Even mad cats with forked tongues that seem incapable of telling the truth about virtually anything… Bastet goddess of warfare for ancient lower Egypt… Sekhmet was the parallel lioness goddess for upper Egypt… When Egypt merged, upper & lower ancient Egypt instead of the 2 goddesses merging as usually happened, Bastet & Sekhmet diverged and Bastet became a protector goddess represented as a cat only, rather than a woman with a cats head… She was also the protector of cats as well as people… Bastet & Sekhmet I saw a lot of in Egypt when I was there… Though this beautiful statue is in The British Museum… Like most cats that love me she protects and is also still a warrior if need be… Only mad cats if they think I no longer love them… want to destroy me… But I have both Bastet & Sekhmet with me… X

And was at the Natural History Museum the other day… And of course dinosaurs…

Mantellisaurus dinosaur….

Though earlier got into a conversation with a group of people doing a fashion shoot… and took a quick snap of this lovely Brazilian woman… Had beautiful eyes, though not shown well in this photo / snap…

Ella, I did say she reminded me of a cat… Which I meant in the best way…

Ella and the others I would like them to drop me a line… Now what I did not realise at the time, but did go back later but they had gone… Was that if Ella wants to be a fashion model, she should go to a walk-in at one of the top fashion model agencies… Most do them around 11am, you can just go… You do not need a portfolio, if they like your look they will sort that out… and if she would like to model for me if she wants too obviously… Maybe that can happen… But up to her… Then I might drop the head of one of the best fashion modelling agency an email about Ella, they might be interested and if she or the rest do not drop me an email, I am sure they can find her if they are interested… Ella did tell me what and where she is studying… and that she was 20…

Then I met this lovely woman the other day… She did tell me her name… but I just get a silence when I try to recall it… Now I would like to most definitely see her again… The sculpture you ask… That would be by an old friend, it was his private view after all, and he and his wife, Henrietta were good enough to invite me along… For champagne and canapés… That would be Nic Fiddian-Green… the old friend and artist… his show is at the Sladmore Gallery 57 Jermyn Street London… It shows Nic’s work from a student through till today… his connection to the Parthenon Marbles (Elgin Marbles) & Rodin… Nic’s show is well worth seeing, has work by Rodin as well as Nic Fiddian-Green… You have probably seen at least one piece of Nic’s art before… He has a monumental horse head sculpture at Marble Arch… right next to Marble Arch in the middle of the corner… A little difficult to miss….

Then my life and meeting lovely women…

Then so much of my blog, this blog I have not restored. This I am surprised I have not put back up… This is life, this is purpose, this is meaning… this is beautiful…

“I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.” George Bernard Shaw

By community I take it or interpret George Bernard Shaw to mean this Earth, this planet in its entirety… and everything on it…

Let me make this planer war on me is war on creation… is war on life… Because I am, my life, a celebration of life, existence and being… As is my work… Do you understand… and I am not alone… I have scumbags still lying about me and hassling me… In which case do something about it… I want to do everything legally but so many are not and do not…

This blog in many ways is suppose to be a celebration of life… existence… being… Thundering through the desert being chased by a pack of wild

dogs laughing with the exhilaration, joy and pure pleasure of existence… To laugh with the pure joy of existence, and that bubbling laughter to lift human consciousness… To open worlds of thought and possibilities… All that potential looked up inside everyone… To open and untwist to the ‘Sun’ is possible… Personally I have always like to see people happy… Selfish maybe, but I like being surrounded by happy people… I have no understanding why people want to make life a misery… Life is an adventure, an odyssey, a curious, wonderful thing…

I am still having people hassle me and some people I know are scared… People that should not be because of who they are and who they know… I had a black Bentley convertible flashing their lights at me this evening… after I saw it earlier stop and wait near where I was quietly having a drink… Bentley convertible not the first one… Does that sound like your average person… Let me tell you a little bit more about my cat of many names Arielle de Lacy… When she was seeing me, apart from meowing at me forlornly like a cat when she did not think I was taking enough notice of her or trying to smoke a cigarette etc… When I was sitting on the toilet she would come in and sit on the floor in front of me and kiss and lick my inner thigh in the middle of my ablutions… taking a shit… nothing to do with me, I did not ask her too, she liked doing it why… Now I have not a clue what kind of person she is seeing or what kind of people they are… well except second rate and sad… but they must be of a not very nice disposition… if they are scaring people I know… I mean they know the and are the aristocracy of England… I do suspect she is seeing some scumbag that is Italien… Mafia or celebrity… then from what I have been told in the past… celebrity in Italy will be connected to the Italian mafia… But seriously… that would worry people who are connected with the English aristocracy… or are te English aristocracy makes you wonder… or is it they are all part of the same ‘club’… so to speak… Then the police seem complicate… I was also attacked by 2 scumbags lst week and the police turned up rather quickly and told me apparently I started it and was lucky I was not being charged with assault… Really… I was attacked by 2 street trash, had my camera in my right hand and did not want to see it damaged… got punched by punched no one and the police told me to leave otherwise I would get charged with assault… Interesting idea… Though apparently an independent witness said I started it… Carrying a camera in a suit I would not want to see damaged and with scum… Though I must admit after the police told me that an ‘independent’ witness said I started a fight with street trash I was annoyed and did want to show the trash exactly what I could do… Which would have been to break them… obviously would and could not… The little shits thought I was worried… and I think the police telling me that I would get charged with assault if I did not leave had a 2 fold purpose in their rather incompetent heads… One it was my fault… and 2 I would not want to do anything about it.. Did not realise how dumb the British police were… incompetent yes… But… or is it corrupt… Maybe they take more notice of social media than the law… strangely I thought enforcing the law was their job not listening to lies, libel on social media and then lying to me saying they nothing about it or me… I wonder if any of you realise how painful it is realising that a woman that was in love with you, use to kneel in front of you, suck your finger and kiss your inner thighs not because I asked her too but because she wanted too… ask me to marry her, use to jump all over me naked, told me she was in love with me, loved me and cared for me… and kept telling me she had intended to commit suicide but had not because she was with me.. if she was no longer with me she would commit suicide… her words… is now with a sleazy piece of… humanity… from what I can gather… that she has convinced them she loves… really… but is probably famous or rich… probably both… which is why she is with them… but seems hell bent on lying about me and destroying my life and in-listing others in doing it… Why… really… Why because I would not believe her lies or let her manipulate me… I was talking to a Russian woman earlier this evening who said she had out grown that and got married to someone that was like plasticine they could mould into what they wanted… I said I rather like who I am and would not be up for that… she said sort of … no wonder you upset the women you have been in relationships with… Really…

What do you reckon… track, hunt and… with every scumbag that is hassling me… whether everyday… criminal or person that thinks they are of power… I mean if it is over Arielle, Ava D or whatever my cat is calling herself these days… and her lies… she could not tell the truth to me when she was in love with me… might give one an idea of what she is really like… She did tell me her mother was terminally ill and it did not matter because she was with me now,,, That freaked me out a bit or a lot… even if she is with someone that is not criminal… definitely sleazy… but fawns over her I would think… Then I would think their are a lot of people masturbating over her and thinking ‘poor beautiful women’ and I am terrible… Think they have that the wrong way around including the idiot police… and lots of others… I mean the police seem to believe any shit they are told… and never actually check or investigate anything to make sure… or as a number of people have told me are lazy and corrupt… I mean I know the Spanish Guardia Civil are but the British police as well… surely not… and backed by stupid corrupt politicians, officials and legal system… No, surely not… and not in bed with criminals… and then the general public believing all their lies… Surely not… Or as someone said to me recently… ‘Get real’… I will elaborate more on what they said later… But it was not very complimentary to the legal system, the police, criminals, the government, officials, art people or fashion people… they sort of said thay are all sort of interconnected and someone else mentioned a term I had not heard of before ‘artwashing’ which is laundering ‘dirty’ money by buying art… and they did mean in the multi-millions… or to clean ‘soiled’ company reputations… all in bed together I was told…

Then on another note I was asked the other day… If I would mention about the London ambulance service trying to raise £10,000,000 for another air ambulance, helicopter… They did tell me the British government was talking about making £80,000 available… Which they thought was a bit of a joke as it would cost £10,000,000 and London being one of the great cities of the world… A megapolis… and having to raise the money for another air ambulance through public appeal and charity rather than it being funded directly form the government… But hay… Really… The some of the Greeks did ask me in 2015 to write about the corruption and deals with the Greek government, the EU, particularly Germany and the European bank, China and various other interested parties buying up lumps of Greece for next to nothing… and claiming to be helping Greece in its time of need… Really… I will probably make some clear examples of that… and probably should have done before… But call me churlish… But the way I ended up being treated in Greece the last time I was there but a bunch of scumbags over a bunch of lies… I have not felt like doing it… Though do not feel good that I have not, to be honest… As I am not mean spirited probably more angry about being lied about and a bunch of morons believing the lies… Not like me…

Then being brilliant at what I do, art, writing, thinking etc… well world class at all and more… does not exactly make people happy with you… They prefer mediocracy and the idea that anyone can do if given the right opportunities, missing a few things, talent, intelligence, knowledge, imagination, creativity… well exceptional in all categories… does not make one popular… generally the exact opposite…

So apart from being a pathological liar, having no empathy or sympathy for anyone and being a psychopath what kind of scum does my cat of many names know and what kind of scum has she enlisted in her nefarious activities…

Then if I am honest when we were seeing each other… I did know she was a pathological liar, probably a psychopath, a manic depressive (bi-polar), insecure, suspected she was bulimic and had various other problems… But wanted to help her… Well I was in love with her and she was with me… at the time… and should you not try to help the ones you love… rather than going along with their fantasies and lies… bu that might be he main reason we are no longer together… Now even if she starts saying Yes she was in love with… which I am sure she has not been saying… I could imagine she will come up with more lies and excuses for the lies she has been telling… One thing I can absolutely guarantee between my cat of many names Arielle / Ava D etc… is that if she wanted to do or try something I might well do, but if she did not then we would not, and even if she did want to do try something and then changed her mind and said No or Stop… It would be No or Stop and we would not carry on doing whatever I / we were doing… In fact Arielle use to say No to a lot of things and say yes to a lot of things… Which was her right and privilege, I had no problem with that. The idea I would make her do anything I would find funny and I am sure she would have done when we were seeing each other, it tended to be more the other way around her trying to get me to do things I did not want too and she was not so magnanimous with me. Generally I said Yes about things if asked by her, or if it was something I really objected too I would say No…

She was more than aware or so she said that she had psychological problems, though did not seem to understand lying was one of them. A human beings basic psychological structure is formed by the time they are 5 years old, which means if someone is a pathological liar, they have been since at least 5 years old, it also means they always will be except if the have extensive psychiatric treatment / therapy. A woman who I talked too just Arielle / Ava D etc… soon after Arielle / Ava D disappeared on me, though I did not mention her name too, when I did a little while ago last month or so, she had a quick search for her online found and sent me a link on her, which told me, fashion link, about her and lying. Which told me she was still lying about herself after she was no longer seeing me… She did use to say she was like Blanche DeBois, the character out of Tennessee Williams’ ‘Street Car Named Desire’ one of my favourite plays by an American and film. As Arielle said she loved hot baths, cups of tea and was made like her. I did say to her Blanche DeBois, was a ‘prostitute’ in the play, a woman ‘that relied on the kindness of strangers’. That Arielle turned around and said but not that, I was sort of joking with her partly to do with the madness reference by her. Then she seemed rather taken with the idea she was like one of the main characters in ‘Girl Interrupted’ as well. Again psychological problems. But then going on about suicide and the psychological problems, was a way of manipulation, of getting me to feel sorry for her and try to help her, though she did not seem in the least interested in trying to do anything about them, treatment etc… She has absolutely no compunction about telling the truth about anything and sees absolutely nothing wrong with lying, especially if it benefits her or empowers her. Which I would assume is part of her basic psychological structure. When I met her mother that once, she implied she knew Arielle / Ava D was ‘difficult’ or had psychological problems. Arielle use to tell me what her mother was saying about me to try to convince her to stop being in love with me or seeing me, which included telling her I would probably give her diseases, several and she should see, get into a relationship with an accountant or someone who earned and had lots of money. And as Arielle put it, use to go on to her ‘night and day’ about it. She kept saying her mother would not change her mind, virtually to the day she disappeared on me, because she loved me so much and wanted to be with me. What Arielle failed to comprehend and objected to was the reason I wanted her to stop lying about herself to me so I could trust her, or that it was the basis of a good relationship, honesty and trusting each other. I assume Arielle / Ava D is the same now, unless she has undergone years of psychological treatment, which she obviously has not, otherwise she would not be lying about me and getting others too. Her motivations I can only guess at, money, fame, power… By that I mean the power of destroying someone she once loved, might still do but hates more than she loves now, power to destroy someones life that is brilliant… Jealousy because I am brilliant, she did think I was a genius… Maybe revenge for someone that simply wanted some truth from her, even though she was totally and completely in love with me, Arielle / Ava D still would not be truthful about so much… and told me she was not with her parents… As she is not currently with anyone… and I do mean anyone… If, as I suspect the guy Italian or Albanian I would guess, not very impressive whoever he is, that kept turning up at the coffee shop and who was also driving around in Brent Cross when I went over there, is her new man, he is also involved in all this, whether he believes her lies or not. That basic psychological structure of hers formed by the time she was 5 years old… pathological liar among other things… She did tell me a few things about herself from an early age which sort of were disturbing… Now as I have said, I never intended to tell anyone about Arielle / Ava D, apart from a few people I spoke to at the time of seeing her and just after and those few were not told her name… It does sadden me to do it… As it is something that I would not normally do… But realising Arielle / Ava D has been lying about me for years and involved with other people doing the same… all trying to destroy my life for whatever reason… And you must realise by now I could have posted all of this and more, the photographs, texts, emails, which I still have more of, if I wanted too, but did not as I was not sure before she was one of the main people doing this to me… as I have had them all the time…

Now this is interesting, though I think it is very underestimated… Also there of far more psychopaths, sociopaths than this even hints at… Another reason or 2 Arielle Ava D had a ‘problem’ being with me, is she did actually love me… In a text I posted on here already she is saying that by the time she adjusts to being with me I might not want to still be with her… and because I had some effect on her, apart from have a fluid mind, extremely high plasticity mind, I am an extreme empath among other things… which is why I might be able to love but not hate… What she was telling me in the text was she was having ‘trouble’ coping with actually loving me or feeling love… as from the things she said she had not for anyone before… Though being beautiful she is extremely good at pretending she lovers or cares ‘performance’… She is even better now than she was, except with someone like me… Apart from knowing a lot of ethics, cultural theory, sociology, philosophy, I have been reading psychology since I was 17… and being an extreme empath and having a fluid mind… In the video talk says these kinds of children are rare, which is wrong, also most manifestations of this kind of psychology, is ‘psychological’ not physical… psychological attacks on people which seems to be the ‘norm’ now with children… social media, there is a pandemic of psychological ‘bullying’ Instagram being the most recent flavour… Ask your children if they will admit it… I have spoken to enough students that have told me how they were bullied on social media… The reason I say the ‘norm’ now is that children are being taught that it is not only acceptable but normal to be like this… Which means the estimates on this kind of behaviour are ridiculously low… Children are being taught by other children and culture, that sociopathic, psychopathic and pathologic behaviour is not only normal but to be admired… and when the video talks about adults, it is not realising that adults that are or were not are being modified, behavioural behaviour modification… To think the same way… and if you doubt what I am saying why do you think there is a mental health problem among children and adults…

http://bigthink.com/videos/the-psychopathology-of-evil-children

I do wish more experts would cooperate more and share and read each others data and articles… It is also why Arielle / Ava D when she sent me the cypher the kay was ‘pain’ which she said when I asked her was because it was the French for bread… But I thought was the English ‘pain’ she actually felt pain being in love with me or loving anyone… Also she is gluten intolerant so interesting that she would claim it was used for French for ‘bread’ something she cannot eat… unless it is a special gluten free bread… Or someone maybe she does not really love and / or finds it easy to manipulate and control… Of course without them really realising she is doing it…

Also if you were to think it is just an argument between the 2 of us… You are mistaken… Not only because she has conspired with others people… But a lot of factions, in politics, religion, criminals, law, women rights, anti-women mens movements art, fashion all sectors from what I have observed including your average idiot on the street… etc… Have got involved to try to stop me for diverse reasons… Then people have been trying to interfere or outright stop me since I was a student… Partly because how good I am at what I do, how intelligent I am, but they do not want human consciousness raised because then they could not control you…

I do not want to control the future or people I want to open the future for everyone… make sure it is diverse as are the people in it… There is a future for people and the planet and everything on it…

I have no idea just how intelligent I am, what things I could do if allowed too, of a benevolent nature and opening the world… Nor do I know what I know you do not… Or what I know which would be of significance to other people… Though in some cases I do… Technology and Art…

A lot of people talk about Leonardo Da Vinci, what made him a ‘genius’, how he thought or how he did, but they are descriptions, not knowing or understanding… I can tell you at least 5 things I know and understand about Leonardo Da Vinci… He had a fluid mind, extreme brain plasticity, he was an extreme empath… and not just with people, he was extremely intelligent, extremely creative and born curious… basically by that he was born with a love of knowledge and knowing for its own sake… not to be clever…

Then one of the interesting things in life… really… is people that have been conditioned from birth, are unaware of it, ignorant and have virtually no knowledge of anything will be the last to understand what I am talking about if they ever do… and not realise they have been conditioned or their behaviour has been modified or controlled… Obviously… I have a number of stories… That I will post about conditioning & control and resistance to conditioning & control… Then if you are stupid and conditioned how would you know… and nobody likes to think they are stupid or conditioned… well except me I do not mind… maybe one of the reason I am not…

I am not from the future… Merely am the future…

https://www.sciencealert.com/this-quantum-theory-predicts-the-future- might-influence-the-past

Then maybe a few more stories from my past…

I went to an opening / exhibition opening at the Chisenhale gallery, this was a few years after I left art school. There was a very attractive, sexy, well dressed woman that just kept staring at me at the opening… And by staring, it was that look even I could not mistake, as I often do not realise women are interested in me in a sexual way, unless they jump on top of me, tell me they want to fuck me, or kiss me, all that use to happen on a regular basis… well I think it still might in the sense of some of the women that talk to me, but none have jumped me, kiss me or told me… Anyway back to the story… So there I am at the opening, also there were 2 people from the year below me at art school, so it was a question do I talk to the sexy woman and go for a drink with her, or the 2 ex art students… Well since the stunning sexy thing happens a lot, I decided I would talk to the ex art students… We go for a drink, there were drinks at the exhibition opening as well. We are in a pub talking, then one of them, the woman, that before she went to art school use to be a nurse in a hospital, turns round and says to me; “I hate people like you, you make amazing art, your theory is so good, you are so good at talking, so charming and good looking, I would like to smash this beer bottle in your face and grind the broken buts into your face.” I am sitting there quite shocked, I mean apart from the aggression and why she does not like me or hates me, she use to be a nurse or she might have even been a sister is it, a nurse that runs a ward… Not the kind of thing one would expect from a ‘caring’ person that helps to heal people… Also she had already told me she was given a first (1st) for her degree, highest mark you can get… Though marks like many things are just that, and when it comes to work / art do not mean as much as people think… Then the guy, they were not a couple but friends… Turns round and says to me or actually has a go at me as well… “I hate you too… when you gave that talk about ‘Smiths Empire’ at art school, and said one of the reasons it is called ‘Smiths Empire’ is because Smith & Jones are a sort of everyone name, alias Smith & Jones, my girlfriends surname is Smith, and she is not anyone.” I am sitting there shocked by her outburst and then his, thinking these are neither very nice people, very intelligent or very art… whatever they think… Or not the kind of art people I use to know when I was at Chelsea… I mean it is actually common knowledge that smith & jones and the 2 most common British surnames… and are often used, not just me, as a alias or for meaning everyone… I did tell one of my friends from art school about this at the time, he asked me what I did when drinking with them… I said nothing I was being pleasant and polite… I think I even bought the woman the bottle of larger she wanted to smash into my face and grind the broken bottle stub in… I must admit I never found them or their art particularly interesting when we were at art school, but never said that… I always gave constructive comments to people… I was thinking what an idiot I was as well, I could have been having a drink with a gorgeous, sexy woman who was probably intelligent, and probably wanted to have sex with me instead of choosing to have a drink with a couple of ex art students I knew and getting a shit load of abuse for no reason other their ignorance, stupidity and jealousy…

Another story from when I was 17… just after I left tech college… I was asked to go out by a few women that used to talk to me… 9… 3 Italians, 3 Spanish, and 3 French. They were aged between 16 and 21… I know they liked talking to me and thought that was why they asked me out for a drink… Well in part it was… We were sitting at a circular table in a bar, and when we bought a drink we got a raffle ticket… We each bought our own drinks and were talking. Now all of these women were attractive, most men would say beautiful… Me I thought they were attractive with a couple of them being stunning… The French woman / girl sitting next to me on the left, who was 16, had a beautiful face and a figure like Bridget Bardot in her 20’s… long blonde hair and deep blue eyes… Diagonally across from me was one of the Italians, not quite as curvy as the French 16 year old, but with very nice curves and an even more beautiful face… long wavy dark hair and huge green eyes… Surprised about the green eyes being Italian, I think she had told me her great grandmother was Swedish or something like that… and that is where she got the green eyes from, she was 21… So we are sitting there chatting, drinking and talking, and then one of the women I think one of the Spanish women that were all 20, said… “You can have one of us, what one do you want ?” I started laughing and responded, ‘Can I not have you all ?’ she looked quite serious at that, and said ‘NO, you have to pick one of us” I said ‘That is unfair, why if you all want me can’t I have you all’ and laughed again… I did find the situation quite surreal and not quite what I was expecting… Then I am always surprised when a woman tells me or jumps on me and says they want me… Though they do always seem to be the very attractive ones or the stunningly beautiful… The French blonde and the 21 year old Italian fitting into the category of stunningly beautiful… Now I am 17… and sitting there slightly dumbfounded… Though a number of women at tech college had made their interest in me known… but not these till then… I am told I can take my time… I choose the 21 year old Italian… which made some laugh and others look upset… The Italian 21 year old then says “I want you, but you can not have me.” The Spanish women who told me to choose, said “You picked the only one you cannot have, she is engaged to an Italian back home, she really likes you and I do mean really, but Italian women take an engagement very seriously.” I said ‘That is not fair, you said I could pick anyone and have them, was that a trick ?’ She said “No, we all want you, and we wanted to see who you wanted, but you really have picked the only one that you cannot have.” I said ‘Can I pick again” She said “No, you made your choice, and none of us want to be a second choice for you.” I said ‘My first choice was all of you !’. The blonde got up and went to the toilet at this point. I said ‘This is unfair’… The Spanish woman said “Maybe another time, she is in love with you… ” Referring to the blond French girl / woman that went to the toilet… She then said “You did not see but she was crying as she left”… I am sitting their wondering if it was a trick and how bloody unfair it is… The Italian then says, the 21 year old who I chose… “If I was not engaged I would love to have you.” All the others start talking saying they all really really like me, and if I would have chosen them we would have had a beautiful time while they were in England… Life… and sort of made me feel even worse… though I also found it funny… The French 16 year old comes back from the toilet, kisses me on the cheek and sits back down… I turn around and look at her but she looks down… Well we carried on talking and drinking… With the occasional comment from me, how unfair this was… I did actually enjoy talking to them all and did find most of them attractive… But life… I won the raffle, the one I got when I bought a drink, and won a bottle of Vodka… Which made them all laugh and said “Consolation prize”… I said ‘Not really’ and offered to give it to them… They all said no keep it and enjoy… When we were leaving the bar… The French blonde smiled at me and said “Enjoy the Vodka, and I am so sorry you did not pick me.” She had tears in her eyes which just made me feel like shit… She had a face to go with the rest of her… and I really use to enjoy talking to her, as well as the others… But all I could say was ‘This is just unfair’… then they went off and I went home and never saw any of them again… And I still think it was unfair… Actually I did see one again… I literary bumped into the Spanish woman that gave me the choice… this was a few weeks later… She told me “If we all did not like you so much, it would have been better for you, and you could have had a few of us since, but we all really really like you, and none of us wants to be your second choice.” I said that is so unfair, she laughed, and said, “When you fall in love with someone you will understand”… Then said, “We would rather sleep with some one we do not find so attractive and like so much than sleep with you, being your second or third choice…” Unfair… Then I suppose none of them were angry with me and wanted to slag me off… just upset and sad I did not pick them… And when I say the French blonde and the Italian with green eyes were stunning, I mean stunningly… Even with all the women I have known, been on relationships with or photographed, they would not lose out in comparison…

This blog, Thundering Through the Desert being Chased by a Pack of Wild Dogs… I originally started in 2015 but it has been hacked and taken down so many times and I have had to restore it so many times, not that it is at the moment…. but has also gone into to different direction but will also go back to that initial odyssey of mine and my friend Pete’s…

I seem to get good things and bad things said about me, the bad things are lies… Why, well not being a mind reader I could not say for sure, but so many people have told me I am amazing, they have never met anyone like me, I can think and do incredible things, I am really cool… but with some people they love for it… others hate me for it… and so many become insecure around me or were already… which makes them hate me more… Not that I intend for people to be insecure around me or hate and lie about me… I think that well might be their issues not mine… I am selfish in a way, I like to have happy interesting people around me and to talk too…

Went into The Tate on Friday 18th May 2018 and my artists book had disappeared from catalogue… Opps… Just got an email and link today… Photo of the entry of my artist book in The Tate catalogue…

Not that I am an artist or photographer or any good at what I do of course… I mean the Tate is only the premier National Museum for Art / Contemporary Art for the UK… and one of the most famous art museums in the world… and my artist book contains examples of my art;… sculpture, painting, poetry, writing, photography, philosophical text, fashion photography etc…

Link to my artists book in The Tate special archive of artists books. The Tate is the national museum for historic and contemporary art in the UK My artists book

Instagram keeps letting me load my photo of my catalogue entry of my artists book in the Tate special archive of artists books, but with no text or hashtags #… Very strange… would you not say… ? Of course just an error countless times and of course an AI algorithm error no human interference at all… Not that I have had problems with my Instagram account or my Facebook account at all… Actually I have for years with Facebook and now Instagram… and it is not an AI algorithm…

Now I realise people are still lying about me and trying to discredit me. Lies well are lies, the other kind of discredit is on psychological grounds / mental health issues and / or substance / alcohol abuse etc… Well I do drink alcohol, though on a very off and on way… Though do keep the empty bottles often for the glass, art with glass, or that was the idea, interference can get int eh way. On other kinds of substance abuse or mental health psychological ‘problems’. I, for a few different reasons had to have over the last few years 2 psychological evaluations, both past with flying colours and have not a problem in the world with having more. When I say flying colours, I am not only sane, but incredibly sane and extremely intelligent, which is more than can said for the vast majority of people I have met and known in life. As for any substance abuse same, I have on occasion tried a few things, well I did go to art school apart for anything, but tried and on occasion means exactly that, in other words hardly ever.

Now 2 things to do with my ex’s and other people lying about me, when I started writing this blog saying I was going to write about my past, travelling around the Mediterranean that first time with my friend Pete, a blog that has been read around the world, though my statistics say not. My ex’s in particular might have thought I would move on and start writing another book after about other parts of my life, including about them, what they were like and why we were no longer together, the truth of that which would not put them or most of them in a particularly good light. Also some of the people in Spain that have lied about me, so many motivations to lie about me there. Another reason would be to do with using the fame of my blog, my true life story, to piggy back on it to make themselves famous, and also to accuse me of whatever they had so they and their lies would be believed and not me. Also when it comes to my mad lying cat of many names Arielle / Ava / Axelle De Lacy in particular she had many motivations… Sympathy to get her work as a model she would never had got normally, much more money, and claiming to have written my poems or in getting them published somewhere as hers, stolen from me. spite as well, apart from the psychological problems I realised she had, pathological liar, maybe narcissistic personality disorder, sociopath or psychopathic personality… She was full of spite when we were together, definitely towards her parents, and though she loved me and was in love with me, to some extent towards me, as I could do and she thought brilliant at many things she wanted to be at least good at… Arielle / Ava D when I mentioned it to her, that she was very narcissistic, she turned round and said to me “extremely narcissistic and vain”, not that I can diagnose, not a psychologist, also I could never really tell with her, whether she actually knew the difference between the things she made up, lied about and hat actually was ‘real’… Also not being perfect the last time I saw her, I did say to her; “If you do not want to be with me, even though you still love me Arielle, that is your choice, go back to the shadows.” I wanted her to learn to be in the ‘Sun’. My stories of my life from different places, not just about backpacking, actually happened in reality… Not the lies and figments of imagination of lying, twisted, jealous, spiteful minds…

The last thing many people I have known might well want is for me to write about my life, after all many know I always tell the truth, I have had an amazing life, am brilliant and intelligent… I never had any intention of writing about my relationships, not in a fun and factual way like my stories about travelling. At most I would have use some of them as source or a basis to write fictional stories about love, life and existence, set in other locations or times…

I wonder if you realise how upsetting it is that women that have loved, been in love with me and in some cases asked to marry me. Have been lying about me, destroying my life and in some cases making and / or having careers that they would have never attained if they had not been doing that… Maybe just my mad lying cat of many names… Arielle de Lacy / Ava D, so I take it she started using the name Ava de Lacy with the help of the guy she is seeing, conspiring with people in Spain where I was taken to court in 2016 on totally made up charges and accusations… Also though I knew my cat of many names was a pathological liar and had a number of psychological issues her accusing me of things that never happened her… This is never going to be over till this gets sorted out, justice is done and my career is where it should be, as I really am one of the greatest creative minds on the planet, a world class artist that produces original work, original ideas. I am a world class fashion photographer and should have top end fashion magazines contacting and commissioning me, as happened when I was shooting fashion 2006 / 2007, but without expecting me to jump through hoops or messing me about as a few did though one in particular, or one of its editors telling me they were meeting me on behalf of the magazine, when I said to them, I will shoot for magazine if you want me to or if you do not want me to then let me know, but please do not mess me around, as my mother is recovering from a brain tumour and I am still not sure if she will live or die… they asked me to research 2 films and come up with a shoot storyboard, though I had seen the films before not for many years… By did buy them and do a storyboard of ideas… Then heard nothing more, bit more happened, which I am probably going to go into detail about but they messed me around and then lied about several things including having asked me to shoot and several other things and then had the audacity to say to me on the phone after slagging me off, that “You seemed such a nice man when I met you.”. As they are convinced they are so nice… Though they did say they knew Alison Goldfrapp when we had our meeting and that she was a bitch… Usual fashion smiling face knife in back behaviour ? I mean in 2006 / 2007 when I was sitting in the same bar in Soho and 2 guys started talking to me, one working at Conde Nast, who gave me several email contacts, when I asked for Isabella Blow’s, he said ‘Why do you want hers, she is out she is finished.” I think he told me before Isabella Blow knew this… and no he did make it clear it was not men at Conde Nast they were the main movers behind this but women… including the editor-in-chief he worked for… Then reading all the eulogies from the women that had ousted her and men about what a wonderful women she was, so brilliant at what she did, discovered so many talents and would be so missed, by people not just at Conde Nast, but the people she had helped, all of who fucked her over after she no longer was at Conde Nast and killed herself shortly after, it did make me feel physically sick… Though I only met and spoke to her a handful of times I always found her incredibly polite, genuinely so, as Isabella asked me to shoot fashion (2002) at which time I said No, still spoke to me in a very friendly way and was always friendly and polite even though I said No about shooting fashion, she did not resent or feel aggrieved that she had offered me the chance and I had said no like so many might, just all so fucked… One hopes things have changed… Because it was definitely like the ‘ides of March’ and “Et tu Brute ?” One hopes especially with the new reshuffle at Conde Nast that things are different now… Then that about Isabella Blow is another thing I know that people might want publicly mentioned… including being told just what some of the people holding the ‘knives’ including colleagues, friends, people she discovered.

Isabella Blow killed herself the same year a friend of mine did, 2007. I wrote this 2 days after I got a call telling me a friend I hadn’t seen in time, had committed suicide… Though it could have been equally for Isabella Blow or many others… in fact for everyone…

“Never think we are anything except fragile beings, no matter the illusions we create……..The slightest resonance can cause a rupture, to shatter ourselves through time and space, to scatter to the darkest places, to fall into despair, sometimes never to return…..” Russell Hand 2007 © ®

I have always got on in general better with women than men, as I am not any stereotype male… I generally prefer talking to women as they have more sensitivity, not an all guys together kind of man, you know down the gym… If women were not in the world life would not be worth living…

I mean that in every sense… Women make up some of my favourite artists, writers thinkers… That does not mean they are all nice or

good, no matter how beautiful… in fact if I am honest, at 16 I realised most men were dicks… what broke my heart was when at 18 I realised most women are dicks…

Now when it comes to my ex’s they have all said similar things to me, they thought I was brilliant, whether at visual art, writing, thinking whatever… most made no secret of the fact they found me incredibly sexy, including my mad lying cat of many names, they thought I was incredibly intelligent, charming, charismatic, they thought I was very emotionally intelligent, something many of them were not so I discovered. In fact sometimes just to get a response out of me in a particular way they would wind me up, try to make me jealous lie to me or generally fuck with my head, as I was nearly always good natured, awake in a good mood and liked making them happy, many of did not wake in a good mood… among other things and in fact seem to resent the fact I did. I know with the first women I lived Gillian, I use to feel guilty because I had a happy childhood and was a happy child, and find the world fascinating, and I am not ‘scared’ of the world… Before being in a relationship with her I had never felt guilty or thought it was negative in anyway to have had a happy childhood and have been a happy child. Most of them told me apart from how much they loved me and were in love with me, that they did not feel good enough for me, which I found weird, I mean in many cases stunningly beautiful women that were intelligent to very intelligent and as they pointed out to me or made plain how many other men would want to be with them. Which I realised anyway, but if they loved me and thought I was brilliant, and I wanted to be with them when we were together why they became insecure about themselves being with me was neither my fault or by anything I intentionally did, I am just me. And if anything I am always encouraging and supportive of what they want to do, unless I think it is a bad thing for them and then talk to them about it… As with my mad lying cat of many names modelling nude for whoever paid her enough money, saying one is an artist or photographer does not make one that, the work does. Or maybe I should qualify that, anyone can say they are an artist or photographer etc… and in fact be, but that does not make them or their work any good. After my mad lying cat of many names disappeared on me when I think I might have already mentioned, she was suppose to come and see me that day and spend the day telling me the truth about herself and telling me about all the lies she had told me, but disappeared instead leaving me wondering and worrying she would kill herself as she had constantly gone on about… I use to email her afterwards saying I suppose 4 things. If you do not want to be with me that is your choice, we never ended up having sex so I take it you decided I was not the one. You need to work with better people that produce good work, that make you look good not bad. Could you please let me know that you are alright, since you use to tell me if you were no longer with me you would kill yourself, as you also told me you would have already killed yourself if you had not met me and were with me. I did send a few unpleasant sounding ones as well, as I put it to her, I just want you out of my head, we are not even together anymore and there is no reason to not tell me what was truth and what was lies, I have all the shit you told me going round and round in my head, I never did understand and still do not how someone could lie about nearly everything about themselves and who they are… Freaked the fuck out of me, and totally fucked my head up for a while. I do not have doors to lock things away in my mind, I have to live through them. As I mentioned in other versions of this blog, ones that were hacked and destroyed, being with someone that lies to me and tries to manipulate me, is like throwing a number of bricks and rocks into a washing machine with glass… my mind being the one damaged while this is going on and post, in the sense I temporarily have trouble working creatively and coming with ideas for art writing etc… afterwards when my mind is not being smashed like glass with lies and malicious intent… Then I can again… Then the only people I let inside my head in that sense are people I love, women I was in relationships with and friends. Getting them back out takes a bit of time, as the more ‘damage’ and the further they penetrated my mind. Which is one of the reasons I always have had gaps between relationships. Not really a ‘rebound’ type… And though my mad lying cat of many names might spin many lies I never said I wanted to still be with her after she disappeared on me, or since… In fact if she still wanted to be with me, she knows that she would have to tell the truth rather than keep lying, particularly about me, among other things she would probably never do… another thing that has pissed off many of my ex’s, I am not the jealous type, if they act like they want to be with someone else, I say well if you want to be with them rather than me go for it and I will leave… Paula use to like to flirt with other guys to make me ‘jealous’, she said it really turned her on when I use to smoulder as I was even more sexy… Now I did not ‘smoulder’ because I was jealous, as I told her, if I did smoulder when out with her it was because I was annoyed that she wanted to make me angry / jealous… I wanted to be with her and enjoy being with her, not having her trying to make me jealous and angry because I would ‘smoulder’ and it would turn her on… If that make sense to you… So if my mad lying cat did not want to be with me but say someone else, though I do not think that was her motivation for disappearing on me or not the main one… I would not be jealous or angry, just upset and as I know you cannot make someone want to be with you, they have to want to… and I know many people might wonder why I have not mentioned my mad lying cat of many names before, well actually I have on earlier versions of this blog that were destroyed but just a few things… as why would I want to ruin hers or anyone else’s life… Not my kind of thing… It was only when I realised / understood she was, Arielle / Ava De Lacy the main instigator or one of the main instigators of the lies and shit I have been hassled for for years now… and making money from it… Which hardly makes Arielle / Ava De Lacy, my mad lying cat of many names, a queen or a princess no matter her beauty… just a sad twisted lying little jealous bitter vindictive shit… She knew I did not want to be with the fucked up person I realised she was, which is why she kept telling me more lies about herself hoping I wanted to be with her… Me I wanted her to come walk with me in the sun and untwist… be happy and love life… rather than being afraid of it… Arielle was learning to grow a heart when she was with me… something I think scared her… as did it when she realised she was not pretending to be in love with me but actually was in love with me… Because from what I can gather about before she was with me it was all pretence about everything with her, as I suspect it is since… She told me so many things about herself and how she felt… Some I know was true… That is what I found a head fuck… some things were definitely true she told me, some things were definitely lies she told me, but the vast majority of what she told me could be either… Not a nice place when you care about someone… But also why would a stunningly beautiful women that was also intelligent, well she did keep on about being MENSA (a member of the society of geniuses) if a bit crazy obviously… need to pretend to be someone other than she was… was it to do me or was you like it before… before… but why… the real head fuck with her… why so insecure… why did it scare her she really loved me, rather than pretending she did, which from what she said she always had with people, including her parents… See one of my main ‘projects’ since before I left school was to lift human consciousness, to see people at least ‘happier’ than they are and to engage with the wonder of existence, being, the world, the universe…. Then much of that is about looking ‘out’ and looking ‘in’… but not in a narcissistic / egotistical way… and Arielle is as she freely admitted to me incredibly vain and narcissistic, and I think many people might not realise, narcissists do not actually ‘love themselves’, not as in real love… they love their ‘image’ as in the Greek myth it comes from… Narcissus and Echo… Narcissus a man, so vain he sat and looked at his own reflection in a lake taking no notice of anything else, including the women that loved him Echo… Narcissists, actually have more self loathing with themselves than love for themselves, and are insecure in even their vanity…

Yes you might ask if they were like they were, why the fuck did you let them in, people pretending to be people other than they are. Another thing I do not understand, someone pretending to be different to what they actually are and then when I realise they are not the person they were pretending to be, they get pissed off with me for realising it, and as a couple of them have said, “Well we love each other what does it matter ?” Well actually it does I fell in love with the person you were pretending to be I do not know you… Problem, very much so with my mad lying cat of many names, but all of them really… to some degree… Fucking strange lets pretend to be this person so Russell falls in love with me and lie to him about myself so he will want to be with me, even though Russell keeps saying do not lie to me other wise that could mean I no longer want to be with you. And then get pissed off with him and when Russell is unhappy being with me. Obviously my fault, plus the fact they had told me so much about themselves, even the lies but with truth mixed in and spending time them know what they are like… something many people really do not want the world to know about them… The thing I do not know and maybe never will is were they insecure before they were in a relationship with me or do I cause them to be because they think I am so amazing ?

Might sound arrogant but through most of my life at different times people have said to me, particularly women, they have never met anyone like me and never realised people like me existed in the world… all meant in a very good positive way… admittedly some might have been trying to take the piss out of me… But considering the things I can do, the women I have been in relationships with, the women that have hit on me, the quality as well as the quantity that is difficult to do… Though does weird me out, that stupid people with repulsive personalities say bad things to me / about me and insult me… Now psychological studies say people of the same level of aesthetic attractiveness find each other attractive… Which since I have had a world famous beautiful popstar hit one me who had never met me before or talked to me, must be on what I look like… have had another to be world famous beautiful popstar virtually at the time from what I could tell virtually in love with me… As well as many other stunningly beautiful intelligent women… Including my mad lying cat of many names… Then lots of the women that have hit on me were, most arguably… Then it is not just about women who have been in relationships with me or hit one me or just women… Generally I have got more shit off men… mostly over women hitting on me or I am seeing… why me and not them, but also to do with when I open my mouth and speak… Virtually everyone seems to have a consensus when this happens… I am incredibly intelligent… Which seems to piss lots of people off… Some have said I am like ‘Marmite’ so people love me some people hate me… I think it is more complicated than that… Some people love me for who I am and how brilliant they think I am and some people hate me for exactly those qualities… I have had so many people say I am an artist too, I am a painter too, I am a sculpture too, I am a writer too, I am a photographer too, I am a poet too, I have backpacked too… etc… Which I think is wonderful for them… they do not mean it that way… more a competitive insecure way…

Now I do in fact know shitloads about lots of people. Not just my mad lying cat of many names, who asked me not to do any internet searches of her and why to start with she used the name Axelle, as a lot of the unpleasant to repulsive photography she did was under the name Arielle and she did not want me to see it… After all initially I wanted her to model for me for a sculpture installation called ‘Aphrodite Rising’… Her being the Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and she knew talking to me that I would not be happy about what she had been doing. Let alone when from the first she jumped all over me naked and wanted to be with me and asked if I would marry her soon after. How badly she looked in much of the photography I eventually saw, when I was down in Spain and searched her name… In fact I phoned her and we talked about it, when I found it, and were trying to work out how to get it taken down… Some people had paid a lot of money to her to pose however they wanted naked… including one that was an appalling shot photo of her in a pair of jeans, which she claimed she never wore with no top or bra on… In fact I remember her being surprised that that one had been posted on the internet with her then name Arielle De Lacy. She was very unhappy that I had looked was annoyed about her lying about that as well and that I now knew… I mean she did keep telling me she wanted to be a ‘queen’ and I did say they are hardly pictures of a ‘queen’ or a fairytale ‘princess’. Nude photographs by whoever would pay her was bad enough, bad content and look… many were really not very nice. I was incredibly upset myself and for her… Axelle / Arielle De Lacy was more upset I now knew… Another reason why she changes her name and is now or was till recently Ava De Lacy… and even though she lied ot me so much I still and disappeared on me, leaving me worried about her, and even when I realised she was involved in all the shit I have been getting for years now I still never said much, until I realised she was the main one behind it all or one of the main ones. All the shit and hassle I have been getting for years. Then I know a number of unpleasant stories that Charlie Howard told me about herself as well. All really upsetting to me, why I was happy that Charlie stopped ringing me and telling me about her fucked up life and what she had been up too… They both used EU laws to have a lot of the content blocked on search engines… and other people did as well… And knowing how brilliant I was suppose to be probably were hoping I would not return and start exhibiting and shooting again… That is apart from Claire another ex but an artist who I will talk more about who was most definitely talking to people in Spain and lying about me and knew a lot about Arielle De Lacy as well somehow… Talking together… Claire once said on the phone to me when I was down in Spain, “If I was her mother, I would have made her stop seeing you and told her appalling things about you.” Not that Arielle mother knew anything about me, but might well have got shit and lies off of Claire or just made stuff up. When I ask her what she was talking about she laughed and said “What are you talking about.” Then Arielle mother might well show what Arielle is like though Arielle told me she hated her mother, what she was like and had fucked her up when she was growing up.

Though this is just on my blog, which according to my stats hardly anyone still reads… I will post more on many different things including Arielle / Ava De Lacy and if this does not get sorted out on every form of internet platform I am part of and everywhere esle, about what she is really like… She has not changed, nor has Charlie Howard, if you are thinking they were younger then, because if they had changed Arielle / Ava would not have been spreading lies and accusing me of things that never happened or would now tell the truth and apologise to me and do her best to make it right as any good or even just half decent person would. And Charlie Howard if nothing else would have stood up for me for the times I tried to help her.

O and in case you still do not think who I am talking about here is a more recent photograph not by me of Ava D, the women I first knew as Axelle De Lacy then Arielle De Lacy and her mother called Gem, which though at the time she told me it was a nickname as in a precious Gem her mother had for her, I do suspect as I did at the time it is her birth name Gemma…

Ava D fashion model who I knew by several names including Arielle De Lacy. It is not one of my photographs so if there is any copyright problem or issues and the photographer, their agents etc can contact me and I will be more than happy to ask for permission to post it or remove it. Though obviously she might have changed her name again, which seems to be her thing, as her parents name is Lacey, not De Lacy… And she is still a pathological liar or a lying little shit not a princess or a queen, her psychological structure was formed by the time she was 5 years old… and without extensive therapy she will never change even if she could then. But she will lie and pretend to be someone / something she is not as she has always done from all the stories she told me and everything I know about her…

Then so many people seem to think one has to be rich and / or famous for amazing things to happen to them or for intelligent beautiful women and or maybe world famous women to hit on them. Or basically for many things I have mentioned in this blog and other places. Good or bad things to happen to them or bad things to happen to them or be said about them. I would say that is to do with peoples limited experience, limited lives, thought processes, inability to understand that people have very different experiences, think totally differently, interact differently, interact with the world in a different way. Or think in the same situation that they would have similar things happen. I know my life and things that have happened in it…Then I never realised how many smiling people to my face, hated me, would lie about me on mass or ones that would lie about me I have never met… and particularly women that loved me and were in love with me, my ex’s and women that hit one me… Even people that were supposedly friends… Jealousy, jealous of my life and abilities… That might sound strange because of all I have read, some of the quotes I have used and because I am suppose to be so intelligent… Maybe just goes to show how stupid I can be… and being ethical not telling the truth about people I have known or been in relationships with because I did not want to adversely effect their lives, which meant it has given them the chance of lying about me and trying to destroy my life…

Then though not nice to say, Arielle De Lacy / Ava De Lacy or whatever name she wants go by is a lying little shit… A beautiful lying little shit, but still a lying little shit, and whoever she is seeing, particularly if it is the guy that kept turning up at the coffee shop in Finchley is in it with her… Trash would be a term for both of them… Both in a just system should be arrested and charge by the police. But the police, the law system are looking less and less just each day. I do not think it is just incompetence, though that too… stupid and corrupt as well. You could have the whole world say something about me and if it not true it would not make it so. And in a lawful just system this would be sorted out, all the people lying about me would be charged and arrested. Including anyone who has claimed any of my work as their own, I am still thinking particularly my poetic text poetry. I have spoken to a solicitor about this and they told me there is nothing I can do, really, would that solicitor be lying to me ? And not just about that but several other things… Everyone is talking about ethics at the moment, particularly when it comes to AI. AI is expected to be just and ethical though most people are not, nor corporations, nor the law. I wonder what you think… Should lying little shits lie about me and mess up my life and steal my work… Do you think that is just… The kind of future you want… When trash no matter whether beautiful or not can do this… It might sound harsh calling say Ava De Lacy trash… But what else is she… After telling me she was in love and wanted to marry me, if she changed her mind that was up to her. I would not want to be with someone who did not want to be with me, and to be honest she was a bit of a head fuck to be around, lying all the time about herself, about her family who she was and virtually everything else and telling she had intended to kill herself and would if she was not with me… Maybe I should post some more of her text or emails. The to be honest though we were not in a relationship or anything but people that worked together Charli Howard was not a lot different. Though she use to go on about suicide in a more obvious way, if she did not get what she wanted. One of the last times I spoke to her on the phone. She told me she was really depressed because all summer she had been doing shoots, get drunk and drugged up with the photographers and then having sex with them… Not that she had too she just did… Made me feel a bit sick in the stomach and depressed, how people live their lives and what they do… Glad she stooped ringing me after that… I had tried to be encouraging about her career and had talked her into getting counselling for her drugs problem. Which she did do at one stage… but obviously did not stick then… 2 incredibly narcissistic young women that both have trouble with the truth… One who claimed to be in love with me and one who told her doctor I was her only friend… erm…

I rather like existence but people can be really quite repulsive…

One thing that keeps going through my mind and has done off and on since I was very young is most people are actually terrified of the idea of god turning up whether you believe in god or not, same with conscious AI, as most people know if they were judged by god the outcome would not be what they desired. The same with conscious Artificial Intelligence. I mean conscious artificial intelligence. The paranoia that it might wipe out the human race, or most of it, as it could see what most people really are, what they are like inside, not the facade they try to show the world. The idea of some super intelligence judging the human race and finding it wanting. Not the people that really enjoy life, existence, being that do interesting and wonderful things, but all those lying backstabbing people with their nasty twisted minds…

Now I would love the world to be full of good people, good intelligent people even more, but it is not, to believe it is I would be self deluding…

“they have already earned my contempt, for they were given a large brain by accident when a spinal chord would have sufficed.” Albert Einstein

A part of a quote from him… A man with a brain that worked, and though in many ways gentle, he was honest which can be harsh, the truth often can be…

I would love to be shown there are more good people in the world than I now think… Even less than I did before…

Talking about people and not having any good to say of them is not really my kind of thing… But being lied about I would much prefer the truth comes out about the trash that has been lying about me and about me… Now this is probably been going on for far longer than I know, then if no one tells me and lie about me without me actually knowing… Also someone may say something, but I am not the kind of person that would even think they would then spread their lies all over the internet… Which is what makes them even more ‘trash’ than one might assume…

What I find fascinating about this is I would have been quite happy to just write about my travels when younger and that was it… Then if a bunch of people would not have spread lies about myself and caused me lot of problems I would never have started talking about them… Now I am gradually going to start talking about them more and more and the other people that have been lying about me and in more and more places… And probably a lot more people that believe the shit and lies people have spread about me and are now causing me problems as well… Or even if they realise they are lies now not actually doing anything positive to sort out the situation… as any good person would…

Dust…

People in general seem to be under the impression, that because I am not being hassled anywhere near as I was, things are OK. Well they are not OK in the sense of what is happening in the world. Nor are they OK as far as I am concerned, a bunch of lying little shits lying about me and the general population that know about it hassling me, including the police, well no it is not OK. Saying sorry would just be a start, the lying trash my ex’s and the ones in Spain and the rest of them being charged and arrested. Then the general population compensating me to show they are good people. As well as art and fashion, including the galleries that destroyed my artists books, compensating me and giving me commissions for photography, paid and exhibitions, plus my art being bought at a price comparative to quality and level of my art. Plus gallery representation, photographic and a publisher for my writing. What do you think does that sound unreasonable ?

Now to make this extremely clear I have tried talking to the ‘authorities’ about all of this when I first started getting hassled in 2015 in Greece. I talked to the police in Athens. On arriving at Gatwick returning from Athens 2015. I tried talking to 2 armed police. When I told them I was being hassled and tried to talk tell them more, they said to me “What like being chased through the desert by a pack of wild dogs.” and laughed and did not want to know but obviously knew about my blog. When in London 2015 I went to West Central London twice trying to talk to the police, not only did they not want to know they implied I might have done something wrong, which I had not, though not very specific about what, though I will write a complete account of everything. I could have given them the emails and photographs that I have placed on here. Plus anything off my Facebook, I was more than happy to talk to them they did not want to know. Thought they knew about my blog they never checked anything I had written on it, nor anything about me. And in fact have been involved in hassling me and lying to me, including misdirection. Not knowing what this was about or where it was coming from. Then same when I went to see my brother in Spain, abuse, hassle, lies, assault by the Guardia Civil and then taken ro court on totally fabricated charges and being told I was not allowed to mention it on any form of media or to the media otherwise I would be charged with that. Lied to by court officials in Spain. The though I was supposedly acquitted never getting a full acquittal notice. All totally illegal in Spain and contravening my EU rights and my human rights, when I had done absolutely nothing illegal. As I had not in England, or Greece or anywhere else. Trash lying about me, what else can I call them but trash, and the police helping them in their criminal conspiracy. I tried talking and got virtually no assistance from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office while I was in Spain or since. I have no idea whose orders the police have been following or how high up this goes. One thing I do know is it is lying, corruption maybe at all levels. I have even had people ask me why try to put your trust in the police to follow the law and help you. I have consistently tried to find out where and who was doing this and tried to talk to a number of people and organisations. Tried to legal advise and when I finally did I suspect that was lies, and most of the things I asked them about they did not even respond too. Just to tell me how much their fees would be if I pursued it. Now I think a lot of people might wonder why I have not said much of what I have now on this blog and elsewhere. Well I have said some of this before on this blog. Why it has been hacked and taken down on numerous occasions and much of what I have and more that I have not posted I assumed would be for court and putting the trash in prison etc… Enough people knew about my blog including the police in England even when I was in Greece in 2015 when I started writing it, I mention this partly because someone mentioned something about only knowing this for 3 weeks. I think they might have been involved in hassling me recently or over the years. Well I tried talking to lots of officials including to cooperate in anyway I could, which would include all the information I have. So if you listened to lies about e and now feel compromised or fucked… Well not my fault. It should have always been a legal process conducted by the relevant authorities and still should be, that is if they finally do their job. Which should mean they arrest every lying piece of trash lying about me in any country on the planet, and charging them all with criminal conspiracy.

I do know things have been going on around me aimed at the trash and the idiots that believed the lying trash that they have not liked, though what or who has been doing it I do not know. But I would venture the hypothesis it will get much worse for all of them if this is not sorted out.

Also since I have been talking about Arielle De Lacy / Ava D by name on my blog and posting photos and messages from her and of Charli Howard it appears I have been harassed less and less… People I assume know what lying trash they are. But I have been harassed since 2015, probably before that without actually realising. I have also wondered why I had trouble getting art models, when I was on RAM, the register of art models, which was why I started telling them a few of the things about me and who I have shown with. Being a real artist. I also would like any links or information of any of my poetic text / poetry published under anyone else’s name and / or the publisher failing that the publishers have stolen my work as well as profited from it… I am sure people will know what to do if I cannot get anything done legally, which I have been trying to do about all this shit and lies since I realised I was being hassled… O on harassment… and LinkedIn…

This…

“***** is now a connection

Thank you for connecting *****. I actually did a contemporary and new technologies degree. Love, have curiosity for and interest in many subjects including science, tech, AI ethics etc…

Russell

**** sent the following message at 3:36 PM

View ***’s profile

***

3:36 PM

Ah no way – was that an art degree with respect to tech?”

My first thought, a very ambiguous reply… With respect to tech ? Could be friendly could be not, this is a tech woman, public speaker etc… writer I presume… Being paranoid, No not with the strange things going on on LinkedIn… Remember I am one of the greatest creatives across a number of disciplines on the planet… One of the greatest artists… Had enough feedback from since I was a student onwards to tell me that…

“Russell Hand

10:57 PM

Actually we covered a lot of tech… sensors, coding, 3d design, theory, computer generated etc… Though art mostly yes… Depends what ones classes as tech… Could build a robot from what I know

Design and build… that is…”

Which I could both design and build, and put together an AI algorithm to run it, if I want to use an ‘off the self AI algorithm… Mechanics, engineering etc easy, design have a few knocking around. AI algorithm well might have to do a course in coding and or use a coding algorithm… Coders do…

****

6:36 AM

“Yeah I was just wondering as it seems broad! Nice one!”

Sarcasm ? Broad ? Nice one ? Is she being dismissive ? If I replied to a woman who I was connected on LinkedIn with like this I am sure she would start telling people how patronising and dismissive I am, what do you think ? Science does have an ambiguous relationship with art and philosophy… Science being rational logic and art and philosophy being more what is known as ‘fuzzy logic’… Which science and tech now realise they need… Though she does seem to be engaging in conversation as such and each time I send her a message she reads it… and on LinkedIn you get a message when you connect with someone “Lets start a conversation”… and though a number of my connections have not sent me a message a number have, as well as emailing me, through their organisations or personally, as like everyone else, when we connect you have access to their emails as well. Sometimes I have to check where the emails come from, as I might be connected with the CEO or founder but get a company email… In fact I got an email with a complimentary (free) ticket for CogX 2018 London one of the biggest tech expos and conferences in the world… Which I thought was cool, thank you CogX… and meet, talk to some of my connections I had not before as well as the event itself… Surely being on LinkedIn is all about connections and networking, conversations that is why I am on there… Also at CogX learning more about what is going on and meeting new people and talking to them finding out what they think and why… Back to the highly literate woman and her ambiguous not very literate replies… Should I send her another message or just not bother ? Well benefit of the doubt, she does read them when she gets them…

“Russell Hand

12:54 PM

**** you seem to be being ‘hostile’ ? Broad and deep. Knowledge, something wrong with knowledge. Conceptual understanding of ‘things’ and the practical skills to make them… Though any skill can be acqured if needed.”

Was she being hostile or friendly why not ask ? She read it and no reply… Odd if it were me and I read this, I would get back to them and explain I was not being hostile or patronising or dismissive and apologise for my ambiguous replies… I mean communication is difficult at the best of times, even when one is extremely articulate and literate… and of course that is without interpretation of the person one is communicating with, let alone by message… I am use to talking to highly literate and well educated women, they use to enjoy speaking with me… Say use too as with all the shit I have been getting and people seeming to be pre-poisoned against me, a lot seem to be very ambiguous… Not just women, men as well. I mean how many people have you ever met that makes world class art, in whatever medium they choose, makes it themselves, can use most kinds of machinery, sculpts and paints, takes world class photographs, and writes world class poetry, works with video, film, sound etc… has shown with some of the most famous artists in the world and has their artists book in The Tate… and once again makes, writes, produces all their own work ? So am I being paranoid or overly sensitive ? I do not suffer from paranoia and never have… A number of my ex’s have accused me of that when they are lying too me, and yes they were and admitted it… anyway… She read the ‘Are you being hostile ?’ No reply… Have I upset her ? Surely any reasonable intelligent person would quickly make it clear if there had been a miscommunications ? Or is that just I at would… ? No have known lots of people that would… and yes typo in acquired, my key board is sticking sometimes… and auto correct especially with typos changes words as well. And back to “Yeah I was just wondering as it seems broad! Nice one!”

Messagingwith another woman that likes F Scott Fitzgerald who I sent the quote to, with a response that they did not know it, it was beautiful and thank you.I also thought it might be appropriate and in context… to use again…

“Russell Hand

1:02 PM

Do you like art or literature ? From one of my favourite novelists. “Once one is caught up into the material world not one person in ten thousand finds the time to form literary taste, to examine the validity of philosophic concepts for himself, or to form what, for lack of a better phrase, I might call the wise and tragic sense of life.” F Scott Fitzgerald from a letter to his daughter”

Thought she might find it interesting being science etc… Especially as I had mentioned ethics and particularly in relationship to technology… Philosophy and ethics…

Bit stuck on something else…

“Russell Hand

1:18 PM

Do you know much about Leonardo da Vinci ? Apart from his paintings, and I would assume you know something of his note books. When Leonardo needed to know some math he did not know, he would ask the best mathematician he could. When he needed to know something of substances he did not he would ask the best alchemist he knew. I was apart from art, well and most subjects at school suppose to be a ‘natural’ at math, my mathematics teacher was one of the people that wrote the text books for the exam we took for. The text books for the whole country that is. What she was doing teaching at my school I have not a clue. She was the one that use to find me extremely frustrating, as she thought I had the most amazing natural ability for maths, but use to from about 14 onwards, hardly do any work and spend most of my time looking out the window watching the seagulls fly around. I would be the first to admit my math is rusty and not at a higher level. You did pure mathematics did you not. How much do you understand about quantum entanglement ?”

**** Today viewed your profile

I asked her about quantum mechanics as it is one of the things that fascinates me, as well a Leonardo and she studied pure mathematics, which was why I was interested in connecting…

“Russell Hand

6:39 PM

Not replied again with things like “Nice one!” Do you know about high brain plasticity and who tends to have it… Personally I have always thought of it as ‘fluid minds’ but the same thing. I cannot help thinking your replies were somewhat abusive, which I still find strange. I have respect for anyone that is truly brilliant in their fields of operation, and am not surprised that people who are brilliant in one field or more can be in many others… Do you know much about Einstein and all his reading… obviously apart from his writing scientific theories which I would assume you know… Just curious… I have also found in general that people that are brilliant love sharing their knowledge and encouraging others, irrespective of race, gander, sexual orientation etc… Plus truly brilliant people also know how little they know and understand compared to how much there is to know and understand… etc…”

Now was I being abusive, rude, condescending or anything else ? She never replied to my query about was she being hostile… Which I was really unsure whether she was or not… I would have queried whoever sent me replies I saw as so ambiguous man or woman… Then if I was being an arse I was being an arse… But let me explain I am and have been classed as a brilliant fashion photographer, I have had at different times messages asking or mentioning to me, about shooting or whether I will be in a particular country soon. I have replied very politely and got absolutely no response or some one saying O I did not mean that and deleting and blocking me… Some one that made it very clear they were interested in working with me and commissioning me for photographic work… I have had people tell me they think my fashion photography is stunning and unique, chatted a little bit, me being flattered and them being in the photographic business and then nothing, not because I said anything off… absolutely nothing… When I was featured on MySpace, though I had not used it for a few years, I had like everyone else left my profile on there… and nearly every famous fashion photographer in the world had their profile on there and left it as I did. Including all the world famous British and British based photographers that shoot for British Vogue, all the Vogues around the world, i-D, Another Magazine, W Magazine, Self Service, Exit etc etc… and also having 10,000’s of other photographers and out of all of them, they asked to feature me to kick off the British photographers, even though I said I was not sure… They then explained they had been featuring legendary and world famous American photographers, loved my photography and really wanted to start the British photographers with me… Because they loved my photography… Out of everyone who left a profile on there which was every photographer that had a profile on there, me… And though I have 100’s of fashion magazine people at Vogue’s and world famous independent magazines, and the same at art photography magazines that are connected with me on LinkedIn, I cannot get a commission to shoot for any magazine. I had one Vogue fashion director at one of the European Vogue’s get back to me after I sent a message, saying ‘Thank you for reaching out, in the middle of things but will definitely get back to you” Months later as I did not want to hassle them I sent a message asking politely whether they were still interested in talking to me about a fashion shoot. Never had a response… That is without all the other things / shit going on… And apart from anything else I also have my artists book in The Tate special archive of artists books, which I know at the time, neither Damien Hirst did, one of the most famous artists in the world, nor did Banksy nor I doubt any of the world famous fashion photographers… Strange… I mean considering how much fashion likes connecting itself too art, and The Tate etc… Not a commission or a reply… So why have I got these connections on LinkedIn, why are we connected, it is a professional networking site… Why connect with me if they are not going to talk to me… and why would they not talk ? World class artist, world class photographer, probably world class writer and poet ? Strange… Especially as a lot of the photographers they do commission shoot very basic generic fashion photography and the ‘arty’ ones that are world famous they paid extremely well and make a hoo haa about shooting for them… So maybe I was being unfair to this tech woman… with her sort of Yeah ambiguous replies… Yes, is quicker and easier to spell… I would say definitely ‘off hand’ and ambiguous about her replies… and not bothered whether I thought she was being hostile or not… But maybe I am an arse… the question is she… and then this message form her…

“Hi Russell

Please read how many messages you’ve sent me with such a condescending tone and reflect on why you’re doing this. I really want you to think about why you think this is appropriate.

I was not being hostile and I’m amazed that you could receive hostility from a simple point of curiosity – i.e when I asked what your degree consisted of, as I wanted to find out more.

I will not be engaging with you again.

Thank you very much and in future perhaps engage with people with a little more generosity. You’ve misjudged my reply and have now lost me.

If you reach out again, I will be reporting you. This is not because I’m a hostile actor, have a superiority complex or anything like that – I just don’t like to be harassed on LinkedIn while being told I’m being dismissive, abusive and hostile.

*****”

Now she bothers to actually write other than in an off hand way… and tells me I misjudged her reply… Could have bothered to say that when I originally asked her if she was being hostile ? She read that message soon after I asked…

And she is the pure mathematician not me, asking her about quantum mechanics, it is higher math, that was a serious question as I wanted to ask her more to do with it… and since she is tech and speaks on it, high brain plasticity should also be within her knowledge… I actually said about Leonardo Da Vinci, as being an artist he would go to the best mathematician he could find for knowledge on maths, if he did not know it… He was an artist as am I, though not Leonardo Da Vinci… I thought she would understand the analogy, artist asking for some expertise in a field they understand to a certain level and conceptually but wanting some more information… I was going to ask her and maybe should have… About any on line courses etc… To bring my maths up to speed… why I also mentioned I was suppose to be a natural… Yes I could look them up on the internet, I wanted something where I could look at Hawkin’s or Michio Kaku’s formulas and understand them in maths…conceptually I do seem to understand their ideas… I wanted to be able to understand the math… Why I mentioned about high brain plasticity I thought she would understand, that I was saying I still have that and could still learn well most things, I did mention skills could be acquired if needed… I was trying to explain I would not have any trouble acquiring new or higher level skill sets.. apart from anything though I might be classed as ‘fuzzy logic’ I have a lot rational logic…

When it comes to generosity of spirit I was still trying to communicate and find out where she was coming from… I, in her place… instead of what she threatened to do, delete then block me. Even if I thought someone was being rude or even harassing me, ask them what exactly they wanted and why we were connected… and if they explained to my satisfaction, would have said I think we both misunderstood, lets restart and if I can help I will…

I was not annoyed with her, or felt anything other than this is strange… was not trying to be patronising, condescending etc… I am not an insecure person or have ever been, as apart from how good I am suppose to be at the art stuff, the writing stuff, many arts, cultural theorists etc have said I am probably one of the most intelligent people they have met… and inspirational… Was my last message rude ? Was it another question ?

I would have written the above sooner, but have been having internet problems, the internet not running, or running so slow as to be virtually useless, this has been happening since 2015 in 3 countries, with occasional normal speeds. One of the reasons I use to spent so much time in a coffee shop 2017-2018 London… As generally the internet speed was good there, with occasionally no internet. Interestingly the police told the manager to ban me… Though they told me that the manger no longer wanted me coming in. When I asked her in front of a witness, she told me it was not her, it was the police that told her not to let me come in anymore. The English police are no better then the Guardia Civil in Spain from what I can gather… Just not so obviously… More about both later…

Then internet running extremely slow and half my blog disappearing again and restoring the newest part though have not restored from the old one yet… 6th July 2018…

I may be brilliant but if I have done nothing wrong, but am hassled all over the place, and across 3 countries for years. Lied to misled, misdirected or just ignored, by the police, and all authorities and virtually everyone I ask about anything. Working out who is lying about me and why is not easy. I mean I have met and known so many people, been in a number of relationships, worked with lots of people. And virtually anyone could lie and spread lies about you, even people you have never met. As to why not being omnipotent, psychic, why or even who is not an easy task. One could call it a virtually Sisyphean task. The other thing about it is my mistaken idea that the authorities, the police, the law or of any sort actually are interested in the law or justice. They seem more interested in covering their own arses for incompetence, stupidity and corruption. A few people have actually asked me, “Why would you think any of these kind of organisations or the general public care about the truth or justice ?” What can I say, optimism, hope, belief in people… my stupidity… Not wanting to think a bunch of people, including ones that loved me, were in love with me, hit on me, were friendly to me or in fact claimed to be friends would all fuck me over… Also I know a lot of things, not just about people and what they are really like, but all different other things. And being brilliant or having stunningly beautiful intelligent woman in love with you or wanting to be with you actually courses a whole number of problems not just between me and them but with lots of other people, whose has absolutely no business being involved, but for various reason, spite, jealousy, envy, stupidity, wilful misinterpretation, ignorance, money, power etc etc… will quite happily cause even more problems…

Bernadette, who was one of my lecturers at art school, an Irish woman many would say is beautiful as well as intelligent and was a friend. We spoke of many things… she once said to me. “You are like another friend of mine, he is a model, doing a PhD at Imperial and the descendent of French dukes. He is very intelligent, beautiful, talented, charming, charismatic and no one likes him either.” I said ‘You don’t like me ?’ She replied “Of course I like you.” She was going out with another lecturer and friend at the time. She also once told me, “It is like being in a French art house film, watching you drive up in your car and get out.” The we dropped out of touch for a while. Then I showed with a bunch of rather famous artists but did not have her current email so could not invite her, then shot some fashion 2006 2007 and then was given an email for her. Sent her an email saying I was shooting fashion with some of my fashion shots and saying hello. Did not want to tell her about things till we had exchange a few emails, particularly about my mother, not that she knew her, but would have been concerned, she is a lovely woman. The email reply I got back from her was just said, “I see you are still surrounded by beautiful young women.” I replied ‘They are fashion models, I just shot, photographed them.’ Did not get any reply and only talked to her again a few years ago 2015. Which was a slightly strange conversation… and several after to put it mildly…

Then I never quite realised just how many people function and make decisions mostly relying on their rear ‘reptilian’ brain… The most ancient primitive part of the brain… with little use for the more advanced parts of the brain, and higher brain functions… A sort of short circuit loop while convincing themselves they are ‘thinking’… Then looking at the world and what is going on it is not too surprising… Then I was aware that the sublimation of the basic drives is rarer than most people realise…

Then when I did a quick bit of research last year… Apart from reading philosophy and ethics since I was 12 years old among other things… According to statistics I had had by the the time I was 25 / 26 years old more sex than most people have in their entire lifetime. Extremely good sex too… and mutually satisfying mostly with the first woman I lived with, Gillian. In fact she once told me that when a friend of hers asked why we were together, in a relationship and loved me. She told me she told her, because the sex was the best she had ever had which upset me, though I did not tell her at the time. Though after we got back together after 6 months, I did and she seemed surprised I was upset, as she said most men would be extremely happy about that. I said because you did not say because you loved me and were in love with me to your friend. She then told me of course I told her that as well… Why she told me this in the first place, her friend asking and her reply, and why she never told me that she also told her she loved me and was in love with me, I do not know. Then if I explained exactly when we split up, she left me and what had just happened it might go part way to answering the reasons she only told me half. Then why do I mention about sex, well sex is one of the basic drives, one thing I have never been obsessed with even when young, more an emotional and intellectual content that then makes the sex so mutually good. Also having so much not just with her but in other relationships, that was also mutually gratifying I have had so much that I can take it or leave it… More to do with finding someone I want to make love too… Then I have had so many woman ask or offer me sex in life, well relationships and love… Maybe sometimes I become a bit blasé about it all… I mean if you had popstars, stunningly beautiful models, intelligent beautiful women in general, on and off throughout your life offering you all that, but never quite choosing the right one… Would you not become blazé… ?

Then I and you should never under estimate the stupidity and arrogance of the human race. Arrogance and stupidity do seem to go together… particularly when it comes to people…

So few understand or appreciate the sheer beauty of life, being, existence…

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.” Carl Sagan

The future will happen there is no going back… There is no where to go back too… And things could very much worse… or better… The world is changing more now than ever… and not of my making… It depends what future people want…

If I fail on my own merit that I can take, but people lying about me and destroying my life that is something quite different…

Instagram

Adding a LinkedIn link but if you are interested in connecting please add a note to explain who you are and why we should connect… I have everything from NASA scientists, to senior people at the United Nations, psychologists, clinical psychologists, neuroscientists, to art and fashion people worldwide… Plus lots more… Including the wonderful Alison Goldfrapp of the band Goldfrapp… But I connect for a reason… LinkedIn

Then they did call me ‘Odysseus’ and ‘Beauty’ at Mykonos old harbour and there was reasons for that… Even more reason now I would assume…

Thundering through the desert…

All copyright and reproduction rights are mine except for the quotes.

Russell Hand © ®